Posthoorn Interview no. 4: Tom 'Brexit prepper', the SAD truth

Written by Marion Morris

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Tom, from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife. The reporter of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favorite alternative cat litter) heard on the grapevine that Tom, the Netherlands' first Brexit prepper, was very sad. It was time to find out how bad sad Tom was.

The reporter approaches the local pub of Tom. Ten flat beers are standing outside in the autumn sun, but Tom is nowhere to be seen. His wife is there with friends, waving her sixth Calvados: "Sadly, he is not joining us today. He is somewhere inside, doing an experiment, ask the bar personnel." Igo inside greeted by personnel who call me 'the cat litter reporter'. It seems Tom is in the beer cellar doing an experiment. How sad can you get?

This reporter carefully goes down in the beer cellar, as it is very dark. A lonely candle shows Tom sitting on the floor having a beer. "It is S.A.D." he says sadly. Why is he so sad? "Not sad, but S.A.D." Tom says. "It is 'Seasonal Affective Disorder'. I have to get used that in winter after 3.00 PM there is no daylight in Scotland. You know in your head it is midafternoon, but outside it is already very dark. You want to go home and watch the 9 o'clock news, but you still have 6 hours to go! Why the Dracula story was set in Transylvania beats me, he could have increased his evil doings between 3 AM and 9 PM tenfold and spent less time in his coffin here in Scotland. And what are the chances of garlic growing in these short days. Now I have to take vitamin D while I prefer vitamin B, if you know what I mean."

How is his course ''to Skype' going? Tom looks defiant: "Not very good, I must admit. The first time I started up the app I thought it was an app for a mirror. Handy. I could see my nose hairs sticking out; I got the scissors out and clipped them. The next time I opened the app I could see my hair was too long, so I went to the hairdresser. It also shows up every wrinkle. I wonder is Skype sponsored by Botox? It depresses me. Maybe if I take my teeth out I will finally make a successful 'duck face', which seems to be de rigueur these days, for my profile photo."

The reporter invites Tom for a drink in the bar. A bit difficult as Tom takes a beer from outside and they are already paid for. "Sometimes they steal one of my beers, how much worse can it get. I do not prep only for myself, but for all the Brexit preppers out there. The world is a darker place these days."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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