Scientists in Mozambique were lauded recently for discovering - and studying - a rarely used "assault recovery" technique used by a little known tribe called "Waheen Mojab Indayka", or "I got stabbed in the face for Staring" people.
Attendees at the medical conference explained that the Waheen tightly wrap layers of moss, bark and trailing tree roots into small, explosive-like cylinders, which they then insert into the rectums of naked child molesters, who they then make run across a field of obstacles, after lighting the cylinder on fire. If the molester is able to run fast enough for the cylinder to either "pop out", or "become extinguished", they are then allowed to be shot through the head with a poison dart, instead of dying from the poison covering the cylinder. The poison literally begins a process of implosion, leaving nothing but a large sphincter with a skull, when complete. Some discussion took place between consulted astronmers and physicists, all of whom agreed that this may have been, indeed, connected to the concept we know as "the black hole." Discussions are ongoing.
The attendees were amazed at several examples of these cylinders, which they Waheen referred to, roughly translated, as "particle colliders", which they held aloft, causing several Waheen to run away to retrieve weapons immediately, chanting and repeating protective prayers as they did so.
If the cylinder remains lit, and results in explosion, a special prayer is said when they explode into space, to protect the stars watching over onlookers from "particular pollution."
Apparently, the Waheen were visited previously by men claiming to understand their seriousness about the issue, and in a spirit of camaraderie, the two exchanged important phrases in their respective languages.
Gesticulating wildly, one elder explained, gently, "He blowed up real good." He then pulled aside his vest to reveal a set of rainbow-coloured suspenders from Old Navy, for which he carefully provided instructions, on how to secure and unsecure.
More studies are expected, as customs and approaches are documented.