Now that just under ten thousand syndicates are publishing Lord Havinghurst and Lady Colleen Dewurst's (they were just Lorded and Laid-eed last Lent), letters have been 'ejaculating' from all over for their sex advice column.
"We can hardly keep it up"' the exhausted sensee's of sex purred."Between escaping from the evil clutches of that psychotic priest (they claim to be victims of a sex-hating priest) and healing the sexual ailments of humanity, we feel like Jesus in Holy Week!"
We asked the coupling sexperts to share with us one of their most challenging pleas for help and the solution proferred for the $50 paypal charge for sexual healing at their website www.forkitover4forkingsake.cum.
Here's the letter and the wise reply:
Dear King and Queen of Coitus,
We are avid readers of your books, columns, webcasts, sin-ternet podcasts and porn videos (the latest sexaids developed by the sexgurus, bestselling DVD is entitled Sin Under Ella,Man)
Finally, we have pluked up the courage to write to you with our sexual problem.
My wife, let's call her Cornwall, suffers from a rather noisy ailment when we are intimate.
Without fail at about the midterm, "her majesty" experiences an irreversible impulse to, well I'll say it, toot.
Can you be of some assistance as I'll not return till Burnam Wood comes to Dunsinane.
Continuing your "pseudonyms", the Duchess's...I mean your wife... has a somewhat common condition called BNO, Bedroom Noises Off.
There are a few tips we can give to relieve Camilla's - oops - tooting but you can find those in any of the anti-flatulence literature.
Our advice is that if, like us (yes Charley - oh heck - we both suffer from severe cases of BNO), you go down to the local army surplus store and purchase some WWI gas masks. Though it can inhibit osculating, in your case it would cover "Cornwall's" least attractive feature.
When the fireworks start just windsurf the hot air currents...it once facilitated our escape from a certain tower in London...what a ride, gnarly, boyo!