The Last Straw: Environmentalists ban Plastic Ones

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Monday, 4 March 2019

Berkeley, CA. Those far-left, socialist-environmentalists at the University of California can't stop banning popular, useful things. Fresh from their success in banning the deliberately misnamed "single use" plastic bag, most of which were used multiple times, the Greens have put the ubiquitous drinking straw in their cross-hairs.

That's right. They want to ban straws, which they see as a blight on the natural landscape. These do-gooders spend their weekends and vacations picking up straws on our beaches. Already, numerous cities across the country have caved in to their irresponsible demand to outlaw the use of plastic straws at eateries, although it's unclear how these culprits get to the seashore.

And in defense of floating plastic straws, that might mess up a dolphin or porpoise, the last hope of a drowning man has always been that straw to grasp at. They'd take that away, too.

Yes, their immediate target is only "plastic" straws, but they're setting us up for a ban on what they offer as a replacement - paper straws.

The food industry went to plastic straws because paper ones didn't hold up under repeated sucking and slurping. The paper collapsed after a small amount of liquid went through it, necessitating the use of numerous straws to finish a milk shake. Ah, the toll that took on the forests of America. Those same Greens probably demanded that we use plastic ones.

But that's not the end of it. Lurking in the wings is a Green plan to require reusable wooden straws. Never mind the splinters in your lip or tongue, it's good for the environment, and in the long run reusable wooden ones put less stress on our forests.

Straw has a special place in the English language. Politicians create straw men to attack. Pollsters take straw votes. The mob's hit job goes to the guy with the short straw. And the minor functionary who imagines he's a real leader is a straw boss.

Drinking straws should be a matter of choice. You want a paper straw? Take one. But if you prefer plastic, wood or metal... that's your choice as well.

Let the dolphins clean up the beach.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more