Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 1 September 2018

image for Smart Phone Overwhelms Master's Degree Holder

Crawford County, Wisconsin. Wesley Johnston, 38, who graduated from College with a Master's Degree in Education in 2006, recently bought a Smart Phone and found himself completely and embarrassingly overwhelmed when trying to figure out how to use it.

Lead reporter, Amanda Fuckstone, came by his house to ask him about the experience.

"Everybody told me that I should get one," Wesley said with numerous tears rolling down his face. "But I can't figure out how to use it!" he confessed.

When asked if he had displayed any sort of patience or self-control when trying to figure out how it worked, Wesley said that he drank 15 beers, smoked 3 packs of cigarettes, lost his password, and then threw a massive, profound, psychotic, and unholy fit of rage when the 46-dollar, 'fucking piece of shit' device kept asking him to unlock 'new' information by typing in his PIN code.

"It would not let me go anywhere else until I typed in my PIN Code. I typed it in about 49 times, and it still wouldn't let me do anything else. It kept on asking me for my PIN code until I finally went completely berserk and ape-shit," Wesley told Ms. Fuckstone.

"At one point, I even used my laptop to look up information about how to turn my Smart Phone off and restart the god-damn thing," he stated.

"FUCK!" he further added.

Amanda asked Wesley how he actually got through College with a Master's Degree.

"During the early 2000's when I was still in college, I actually had to read books, study information, and write academic reports using proper APA or MLA documentation style," Wesley barked at Amanda. "Facebook didn't exist, and most of us only had 1 (or maybe even 2) email accounts back then," he ranted.

"In those days, you had to FOCUS on what you were doing. This shit is completely different. IT'S FUCKING STUPID!" Wesley shouted.

After looking at the 46 empty, crushed cans of Bud Light that were strewn all over the place, the cigarette butts that decorated the sidewalk, the 'fist-sized' hole in the front door, and the helpless next-door neighbor who was bent over a tree stump in the back yard with a 'Smart Phone' jammed inside his asshole, Amanda took a step further and asked the volatile, emotionally-explosive, potentially-unstable Wesley if he had an alcohol problem, some temper issues, or perhaps even a deeply-hidden form of inconsolable rage due to the fact that he hadn't received enough 'sexual attention' in his 38 years of living.

"No, I got laid once in 2004, and I got laid a second time in 2009. I'm doing just fine," he remarked.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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