Written by mikewadestr

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

image for God Particle Found To Cure Kleptomania
It is God's will.

Scientist at the Glowing Fellow Nuclear Research and Development Center (GFNRDC) in Boulder, Colorado have discovered the God Particle can cure someone of kleptomania. The discovery was made when kleptomaniac, Joey Fingers, went to nuke a burrito in the centrifuge where they were centrifuging the God Particle. His hand absorbed a number of God Particles which caused an end to his kleptomania.

Joey Fingers is an employee at the research center who previously stole just about everything that was not nailed down.

“He even stole my underwear with my pants still on”, lamented scientist Billy Blush. “He stole practically everything in sight. We had to stop doing experiments for a few weeks because he stole the lab’s cyclometer. He did give it back to us though”.

“Joey was pretty bad”, chipped in scientist Larry Loco. “He is like a turd rolling down a hill collecting dirt. He will steal anything. We couldn’t fire him because he is protected by the Fox-Spears Kleptomaniac act. We have to keep an eye on everything even if you have something in your possession as he can still manage to steal it. We had one scientist get her false teeth stolen while she was wearing them”.

“I was really bad there until I nuked the burrito in the centrifuge”, said Joey Fingers. “I’m kind of glad I did because now the restrooms will have toilet paper in them and everyone will be able to eat their lunch. My apartment is so full of stolen stuff I hardly have any room to walk around in. I’m in the process of returning everything to its rightful owner, if I can remember who the rightful owner is of so much of the stolen stuff”.

The Center for Mental Health Control (CMHC) has been trying to partner with GFNRDC in order to cure more people of Kleptomania but GFNRDC has refused due to the top secret nature of their work.

As of press time it has been discovered that while the God Particle cures Kleptomania it has a side effect which turns the kleptomaniac into an axe murderer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: nuclear, Higgs Boson




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