Dr. Paul Montgomery of Admiral University's Department of Climatic Intervention has been studying "a strange phenomenon that is occurring this Autumn and if memory serves me correctly, happened last autumn too" he said.
Dr. Montgomery went on to explain that the trees around the campus have been shedding their leaves since mid-September and although his department is working frantically to find the cause and prevent the complete defoliation he is somber in his outlook.
"We believe that by early Winter all the trees shall be denuded as happened last year, all evidence points to global warming as the culprit, the rising of the ocean is causing more salt in our rain therefore creating a high salinity diet for the nutrient seeking roots as well as sad videos of lonely polar bears drifting south on tiny slabs of ice"
Dr. Montgomery handed me a shriveled brown leaf that fell from a Maple tree nearly three weeks ago and asked me to make a fist around it. As I did the crackling sound surprised and saddened me as I thought perhaps if I drove less and walked more this leaf would still be on its branch living a full life. I was grief stricken as the leaf seemed to turn to dry shreds of thin brown paper and fell to the floor. I was flabbergasted and asked the Doctor what just happened.
"Global warming, sir" he replied "Global warming just happened". He took me to his office window and there on that windswept cold November day I witnessed the saddest sight I ever did see. Leaves by the hundreds, maybe thousands falling to their early death because of man's unquenchable desire to keep his beer cold.