President Trump has been keeping a low profile since the results of the 2020 election were announced. His low profile has nothing to do with the fact that he got a drubbing from Biden, and America wants to turf his ass out of government, hopefully never to return. Neither has it anything to do with his self-delusional and childish refusal to acknowledge his thrashing, and denying Biden access to vital transition machinery and funds (an act of treason in my book).
The staggering truth is that Trump has secretly been having hand enlargement surgery. The fact is that, in the days since the election, ex-President Trump has been ‘under the knife’ of Russian surgeon, Dr Gregor Blimeyvic, President Putin’s personal plastic surgeon.
Since boyhood, Donald Trump has been at the mercy of taunting and cruel humiliation from school bullies, business rivals and anyone switched on enough to understand the correlation between small hands and other personal appendages. Ever since his first school locker room shower, Trump has been a butt (no pun intended) of highly personal and humiliating jibes about his ‘handhood’.
It is a little-known fact that, in 2016, as a reward to Putin for getting them both elected US President, Trump promised Putin that he would tear America apart from the inside, and, in fairness to Trump, he has been true to his word. America has never been so riven, with families broken apart, neighbor hating neighbor, guns and violence on the streets, and a civil war only a heartbeat away. All this and, thanks to his secret buddy Xi Jinping, a worldwide killer virus running rampant, Putin is more than pleased with the work of his blond-wigged, orange-faced protégé.
So, in turn, Putin offered Trump the use of his world-renowned plastic surgeon to have certain ‘extremities’ enlarged as his gift to the arrogant reality-denier. A delighted Trump nearly snapped Putin’s hand off when the offer was made, and within hours, the ‘butcher of Bradsk’ was on a private jet winging his way to Washington.
Having prepared the ground with preliminary surgery – this took place when Trump was reputedly hospitalized with Covid 19 – a smokescreen to hide the truth that he was being prepared for the more detailed and complex surgery coming his way after the election – Blimeyvic swooped in and completed the procedure in The White House hospital over the last few days.
After first whipping up his right-wing redneck acolytes into a ‘we’ve been cheated, honestly!’ frenzy, and encouraging a tasty little dust up between the bats and gun-toting rednecks and the ‘black lies matter’ crew, Trump drove amongst them all to show off the results of the surgery.
Snuggled safely in his bulletproof vehicle, the baboon’s butt-faced ex-Commander-in-Chief pressed his hand proudly against the window as he swiftly sped through the turbulent crowd. A cavalcade of well-armed secret service heavies in a motorcade to the front and behind his vehicle ensured the cowardly dunce was never at any risk of bother from the moronic thugs that took to the street on his command.
Trump is very pleased with his new ‘hands,’ but does that delight stretch as far as his wife, Mekanika? When pressed for a comment about the surgery from her by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano, the President’s wife (for now) spat out, “I’ve no idea who or what the porcine idiot’s been doing. I’ve been far too busy with my lawyers sorting out the divorce, and my big fat gypsy settlement. As soon as the dust settles, I’m off to the bank with a wheelbarrow full of money, and the hope in my heart I never have to see the loser again as long as I live.”
However, quick to comment on the reputed improvement in the President’s ‘gravitas,’ ex-sex therapist Stormy Daniels quipped, “He may no longer be the big man on the world stage, but at least now he has a ghost of a chance of being the big man somewhere else. I don’t blame him for ‘feeling a little cocky’ about the surgery, despite losing the presidency. Oh, and if you see him, remind him he still owes me for our last therapy session.”