Billingsgate Archives: One Nut Away From Having A Chipmunk In White House

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

image for Billingsgate Archives: One Nut Away From Having A Chipmunk In White House
The Truth Shall Set You Free

BILLINGSGATE POST: The below article appeared in the September 2004 edition of the prestigious BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL, for which it received the coveted Bulshitzer Prize. Perhaps some of the current readers and contributors to The Spoof are not aware of these tumultuous times. As a public service, I am re-publishing both the article and the responses to it.

In a past JOURNAL it was pointed out that if John Kerry were to be elected president, America would be just one nut away from having a chipmunk (John Edwards) in the White House. While BILLINGSGATE does not wish to offend members of the genera Tamias and Eutamias species, it is not only this reporter who has noted the similarity between Edwards and the standard, government issue chipmunk. Even old warlocks from the Clinton Administration such as Janet "Fire when ready" Reno and Madeleine Halfbright can't help themselves from pinching the cheeks of this effusive rodent. Speaking of rodents, Edwards has admitted to an abnormal fear of mice while eeking out a nice piece of change suing Medical Doctors.


Due to the number and content of the letters responding to yesterday's JOURNAL titled "One nut away from having a chipmunk in the White House," Dr. Billingsgate will dedicate today's JOURNAL to publishing excerpts from these letters and the responses to them.

"Don't ever underestimate the determination of a basic rodent when he sets his mind to destroying your way of life. They are very evil critters"......Carl Spackler, Caddyshack

RESPONSE: Carl, Believe me, the good doctor has seen Caddyshack many times, and has also witnessed the villainy of those bastards on a personal level. Thanks for the "heads up".

Billingsgate: We know who you are and where you live. If you think that you can continue to dehumanize Kerry and Edwards with your puerile attempts to characterize them as lowly animals, you don't understand the natural food chain, and you live in a make believe world that only Ted Kennedy can understand".....Terry McAuliffe, Chairman, DNC

RESPONSE: Terry, I also know who you are and where you live. If you think that you can intimidate a veteran and cold war warrior with your flip-flop threats, you don't understand your enemy either......GRRRRR !

Slim: “I always thought rodents were cuddly.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Especially those little gerbils.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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