John Edwards' Life-Threatening Heart Condition Revealed: He Has No Heart

Funny story written by Paris Silton

Monday, 16 January 2012

image for John Edwards' Life-Threatening Heart Condition Revealed: He Has No Heart
The heartless ex-US Senator John Edwards

A federal judge granted a delay in John Edwards' criminal corruption trial Friday, disclosing that the former presidential candidate has a life-threatening heart condition, a court source confirmed.

Edwards appeared at Friday's open hearing in North Carolina with his lawyers, who made the motion for a delay under seal. Judge Roy Legume publicly revealed some of its details during the status hearing regarding the pending trial of Edwards, a former U.S. senator.

With Federal prosecutors filing a separate motion to oppose the delay, Dr. Christian Wellesley, a prominent Greensboro cardiologist, has come forward with details of Mr. Edwards' illness.

Dr. Wellesley, who has been treating the former Senator since his symptoms first appeared, said that he first suspected that Edwards had no heart when news surfaced that he had conducted an extramarital affair with filmmaker Rielle Hunter at the same time his wife, Elisabeth, who was fighting breast cancer, campaigned rigorously by his side as he sought the Democratic presidential nomination.

"When it came out that he had been secretly boinking Rielle the whole time Elizabeth was campaigning with him - while she was going through chemotherapy no less! - well, it started to push me in the right direction. Then, when he kept denying he was the father of that darling baby girl, I knew where to go with it and sure enough, the ultrasound proved he was heartless," Dr. Wellesley said.

Mr. Edwards is in good hands with Dr. Wellesley, who has succeeded in treating other heartless individuals like Rush Limbaugh, Cruella De Vil and the Enron trader who famously said "Burn, baby, burn" when a fire's path of destruction included a power transmission line, allowing the company to profit from increased demand.

When asked if giving heartless individuals a new heart can change them, Dr. Wellesley replied, "All I can do is stick a new ticker in their chest cavity. It's up to them whether it's gonna work or not."

John Edwards' trial has been rescheduled for March, following his heart surgery in February.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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