Corona-Corner: Your Questions Answered

Written by Harry Klondike

Thursday, 19 March 2020

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Based on question frequency, the most-asked questions are answered first.

1. Why can’t I find toilet paper?
People have always loved toilet paper, because most have never experienced the hygienic joy of a bidet.

2. Will I get sick if I just don’t wipe anymore.
Maybe, but, most likely, you will just be uncomfortable and smelly.

3. I’m horny and scared. Is sex safe during this time?
Sex is no more or less dangerous than it was 3 months ago.

4. I’m a sex worker- should I take time off?
NO ABSOLUTELY NOT! Your services are needed now more than ever!

5. How can people enjoy physical intimacy with strangers, while not increasing the danger of spreading the Covid-19 virus?
Use a condom, and only have sex in the “doggy style” position.

6. Are oral and anal sex still okay?
Oral- yes : anal- generally yes, but visually examine for hygiene (due to toilet paper shortages) [male homosexuals disregard this question as you already know what to do: volunteer to help kinky heterosexual men with navigating this issue]

7. I like pasta, what can I do?
Learn to live with disappointment.

8. I like canned soup what can I do?
See answer to question 7.

9. I’m afraid, and my mental health provider has temporarily suspended services! I’ve heard meditation helps, should I try it?
NO! That is fake news at best, and superstition at worst. Go to your local food provider and purchase a 1.75L bottle of vodka. Alcohol is the most tried and true remedy for a myriad of psychiatric conditions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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