Hymen Clit Selected As 'Employee Of The Month' For December At Pete's Wood Company In Minnesota

Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 23 December 2019

image for Hymen Clit Selected As 'Employee Of The Month' For December At Pete's Wood Company In Minnesota
Never settle for simply doing your job...OWN YOUR JOB!

We would like to take a special moment this month to shine the employee spotlight on our new Production Custodian, Mr. Hymen Clit. Mr. Clit has served as our janitor for the past several months here at Pete's Wood, a lumber furniture factory that utilizes only the biggest and the hardest wood in order to produce lovely furniture and decking. We receive our material from lumberjack companies that penetrate deeply (and sometimes repeatedly) into the forest in order to locate massive, erect trees with plenty of girth.

JOB DUTIES

As our production custodian, Hymen is responsible for sweeping floors, taking out garbage, and keeping the bathrooms clean. As we have proudly seen, Mr. Clit can empty a tampon disposal container like it's nobody's business.

Because he is not directly involved in the production process, the other employees often call him a pussy.

But Hymen Clit is no pussy!

Pushing brooms and sweeping floors all day long is certainly no easy task....especially when you're being called other names that include 'shit-burger'... 'penis-face'... 'booger-head'... and 'poopy-mouth.'

A select few of his coworkers have even resorted to calling him 'an elastic, moisture-dripping, tunnel of cheap love.' (The troubling part is that these select few coworkers are actually female.)

Nonetheless, he pushes forward every day and keeps not only our floors, but also our bathrooms, clean...even after the majority of our employees take their lunch break at BIG BILLY BOB'S CHILI-CHEESE DOG SHACK, which is just down the road.

EDUCATION AND BACKGROUND

Hymen received his education at "St. Tammy's Local School of Unexpected Miracles," where he made it all the way to 3rd grade.

He excelled at recess, balloon making, and pencil drawing...meaning that he was really good at drawing pictures of pencils.

He almost received a mark of excellence in shoe tying, but he became overly excited during the "Shoe Tying Song" and got his fingers stuck in his shoe laces before falling forward (face-first) into a big pile of thumb tacks that the other children had forgotten to pick up.

We are not really sure about the rest of Hymen's background. We found him standing outside in our parking lot where he was looking directly at the sun with a tranquil (yet somewhat disturbing) look of euphoria on his face while drooling.

PERSONAL HOBBIES AND LIFE GOALS

Hymen's personal hobbies include staring lethargically at the living room wall of the abandoned camper he lives in, occasionally hallucinating, and picking scabs off his body so that he can collect them in a special box that he keeps underneath his bed.

Whenever he collects enough scabs to fill the entire box, he takes them out and pushes them all together into a big ball so that he can play catch with himself out in his back yard. Every time the ball of scabs falls apart, he begins the whole process over again.

Mr. Clit has some interesting life goals. He hopes to one day build the world's biggest ball of scabs, and he promises that he won't cheat by using any of his own boogers, which are kept in a separate box and being saved for an entirely different purpose. (He plans to fashion a rocking chair out of them.)

And despite the fact that he has never owned a driver's license, he also hopes to one day visit all four corners of the State of Iowa.

RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

We've been trying to get Hymen to date one of our office girls, whose name is Harriet Cockman. To save time pronouncing her full name, we've simply and affectionately given her the nickname, Harry...(well, never mind.)

She is a rather large girl with completely natural and unshaven legs. She has a faint moustache and beautiful sideburns that look as if they are still fighting to grow. She has many amazing personal qualities, and she needs love just like everybody else.

To get Hymen properly motivated, we tried showing him numerous pictures from dirty magazines; however, the images only seemed to confuse him.

He couldn't figure out why all of the people in the pictures were fighting without any clothes on. He actually pointed at one image and asked why the woman looked so happy when she was on her knees with two guys peeing all over her face.

After engaging in deep reflection for a few moments, Hymen then stated that he 'wished to remain single within the realm of his own solitude and individual freedom in order to avoid the carnal pursuits of mankind so that he could seek to attain the rare and unique spiritual condition of total and complete self-actualization.'

We've decided that showing Hymen pornographic images was probably a bad idea.

CONCLUSION

Whether its a pile of dust on the floor, a hardened fecal stain on a toilet seat, or a container full of used tampons, Hymen marches forth like a soldier and completes all of his duties promptly.

Here at Pete's Wood, where we pride ourselves on our company motto, "BIGGER, FASTER, LONGER, AND HARDER," we can honestly say that Hymen Clit doesn't just do his job...he owns his job!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Subscribe…
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more