Enlightening: Former Magazine Eaters Reveal why Alien (1979) Made Them Quit Eating Magazines Forever.

Written by Jesus H. Christ

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Back in the day, you could walk down the street and see hundreds of people happily devouring their tasty paper treats. Listening to the groans of them as they tried their best to breathe through the crevices in the paper. These days, you barely ever see a young child devouring the 1998 edition of Motor Trend, or an elderly woman consuming a delicious pop culture paper that she picked up from your local Dave's marketplace.
In the year of 1979, Ridley Scott’s revolutionary masterpiece “Alien” was released, resulting in an innumerable amount of positive reviews from critics, and a large decrease of magazine eating, with a near extinction of newer magazine eaters to join the market. Why did this happen? Our private investigators hunted down two former magazine eaters, and one current magazine eater to finally put an end to the decade-long question: why is magazine eating so rare to see these days?

“I saw Alien the same weekend it came to theater, and simply put, I was changed forever. Not only was I terrified by the chest-bursting scene, but also by the scene where Ash attacked Ripley. I remember how that scene made me feel… like my entire life up to that moment had been based upon misguided hopes. Ridley Scott was a genius in many ways, but the one that I noticed the most was the brilliant commentary on the magazine-eating community. When Ash takes the magazine out of his pocket and shoves it violently down Ripley’s throat, it made me realize the dangers that came along with the acceptance of magazine eating. It could lead to suffocation, and, ultimately, the entire magazine-eating community could find manslaughter charges on their hands. Finally, I’d just say that it’s too much of a risk. I quit magazine eating in respect of the victims of magazine crimes.” - Anonymous former magazine eater.

“I think that the main reason I quit magazine eating was because of a frightening, yet ultimately rational epiphany at that time. I’ll be honest. I have eaten hundreds of magazines in my day, but since a few days after I’d first seen Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’, I have never eaten, nor touched, nor even LOOKED at one! The day that I saw Alien was the day that I was changed forever. So, I don’t know how to explain why Alien woke me up to this, but... when I saw Alien, I realized that I could have been eating high quality images of Paul McCartney. Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘you could just check if Paul McCartney was in the magazine’ but you’re wrong… you’re so wrong. Every time I looked through a magazine, all I could think of was eating it. Feeling the bittersweet pages caress my tongue… but no. I can’t because I can’t stop thinking of Paul McCartney just shaking his head and looking disappointed, and I got enough of that from you, dad. Needless to say, I can’t even look at magazines anymore. I… I can’t even talk about magazines without… I need to go. Please keep this anonymous...” - Rhonntahn Vega - former magazine eater


“Oh, I love to eat magazines. They’re tasty and safe. I first ate a magazine five months before Alien was released, and I loved it. I’ve been eating magazines ever since. You guys shouldn’t stop eating magazines because of me. I was enjoying it, really…” - Sigourney Weaver, magazine eater

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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