Dr Farquar and Corporates

Funny story written by Dr Farquar

Thursday, 5 January 2017


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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You have two cows. All you see is burgermeat and self satisfaction.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant, and then an analyst to understand why the cow has dropped dead. You then draft in two private doctors mainstream bereavement counsellors. A Tibetan self-styled Guru. You join the Bahai faith and spent a fortune on feng shui and yoga lessons so you can compete against the fittest.

You go to a party where you are introduced to cocaine and are forced to sell your house to feed your habit. You wonder why you have no money, huge debt and mental health problems.

When your own family sees you near death they just walk by and say "Told you so.." No amount of rehab will stop you being American, because if you won't stop causing war and wasting the planets resources the world will turn their back on you and you will become a 3rd world country.

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You have to sell your cows to pay for them. 27 countries give you money to buy 2 more cows that are presently in a field of dust looking like skin and bone and forced to milk each other.
These days your cows ... don't have anything but a beleaguered fishing industry to feed a huge nation and 400 islands in the Aegean. Tourism is the only industry also dogged by recession because the euro has made your ice cold beer and package deal holidays too expensive. The cows slept in too late, drank too much ouzo, spent all its money in the afternoon playing dominoes in a Taverna, and got financial mastitis. Now they need all the other countries to give Greece their last cow to give Greece one more chance. A further £152 billion so they can push the boat out only to sink it after 2 previous bail outs and take Italy Portugal and Spain down with them followed by the rest of us.

You have two cows. You refuse to do your homework.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. Then you get given something stuck on your nob from a Parisian prostitute and it's not a latte.

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
Your cows are now the richest cows of the world owning the largest economy. These very wealthy cows want to drop nuclear bombs on major US cities to help their economy in 60 odd years time.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are or care less.
You decide to fuck the milkmaid in the hayloft with mucho gusto pronto mama.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them. Your cows are many but never fight because. Hey! When you own and control all the cows you don't need to fight for anything.

You have two cows that are sleeping giants.
You have 2 billion people milking them.
You claim that you have full no national debt employment, and high bovine productivity because you tolerate sweatshops and poverty and won't pay for Medicare in order to bankrupt all other nations and become the master race within 15 years. The US owe you $15 trillion in perspective, the US national debt is larger than the total economies of China, the United Kingdom ... and under current policies. US national debt will continue to grow by hundreds of billions of dollars every year. What does Confucious say? "He who wanks hard enough will find solution in his hand."

You have two cows.
Rather than eat them to survive poverty you worship them.


You have many cows but they are all mad. You destroy them and pay farmers money to breed more that in turn go mad.

27 countries each have 2 cows they have not planned for and don't want to look after, or even afford, except Germany whose cows are healthy, because it was the Germans who plunged us all into debt crisis because they contravened the rules that had been laid down for the single currency in the Maastricht Treaty.
It was called the 'Stability and Growth Pact', and it was not Italy or Greece that torpedoed it - it was Germany.
In 2003 Germany overspent, and its budget deficits had exceeded the 3% of GDP limit to which they were legally bound. The Euro commission let them off a huge fine giving them a headstart to overtake its partners ..but nobody likes a dirty old cow that cheats on you, do they?

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a 'Democracy'.

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You go to the billabong to get a beer. No brainer, mate!

You have two cows and sheep.
The sheep are more attractive than cows with the way they wiggle and the steaming allure in their eyes and the way that lovely soft wool rises seductively up there neck.

You have 2 cows. One died from financial embarrassment in 2008. The other died later choking on volcanic dust.

Your 2 cows got fat in the housing boom of yesteryear and all you have to show for it now is the fact you both look like a couple of pints of Guinness you can't afford at 8 euros a pint.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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