Written by Thalia

Thursday, 10 November 2016

The small supply room at Color Me Crazy, a Northwest Washington DC salon, is bursting to capacity. Yesterday it doubled as a break room for 4 stylists but today, bottles of peroxide and noxious gas fill the space. "We haven't ordered peroxide in at least 8 years. Last night I scrambled to find a supplier. I'm not sure this will even get us through Inauguration week in January" says owner Sally Johnson.

Demand for peroxide has skyrocketed since the 2:30 a.m. EST announcement that Donald J. Trump was elected as the next president of the United States. Thousands of Trump supporters, a majority of whom require peroxide to demonstrate allegiance to their political party, are expected to drive up demand during the famous Inaugural Ball week in January. As more administration officials are confirmed and families relocate to the DC area, demand is expected to steadily increase.

Ms. Johnson's mood darkened as she confessed that the uptick in business comes with a cost, "If the demand for peroxide continues I may have to lay off one stylist." Ms. Johnson explains that peroxide requires less labor and skill than modern coloring techniques. Additionally, peroxide clients are more likely to sue stylists for perceived damage to their moisture-starved follicles. "The increase in liability coverage is steep so I have to lay off Sheila, who just returned to work after having a baby two weeks ago. Her beauty school loans are due."

Across town at Salon Chaniqua, owner Chaniqua LeQwon also hopes to ride the peroxide wave, "Someone gotta dye all those damn bitches hair white. My cousin found a seafood distributor who will ship peroxide to us from China. They were in a hurry to offload supply." When asked whether repeated exposure to peroxide gives her pause for concern Ms. LeQwon conceded, "Well, we have to take risks - how else will we pay for insurance premiums?"

Not all DC salons have been quick to react to the spike in peroxide demand. Colton Fieri, owner of Colton's Coiffure in Adams Morgan, comments, "I can't find peroxide anywhere. People are hoarding. I'm not sure what we're going to do for all our clients headed to town? Maybe we'll just have to specialize in the after-peroxide market and monopolize styling products like helmet hair shellac." Mr. Fieri has contacted Callista Gingrich's team to discuss a potential licensing agreement.

Though Mr. Fieri struggles to identify new product suppliers, he has developed a solid plan to attract conservative clients accustomed to hiding their sexual orientation, "Right now I have a contractor installing privacy glass on our exterior street windows and we're installing a discreet alley entrance as well, wide enough to accommodate the stream of black Chevy SUVs from the Capitol."

The Better Business Bureau confirmed scattered reports of peroxide hoarding across the DC metropolitan area. However, when pressed for data and estimates on potential cash influx from wealthy closet homosexual conservatives, BBB staff deferred to Trump economic advisor John-John Jacob James Jay III, for comment, "We do not acknowledge the existence of homosexuality in America. DC business revenues will not be affected in any way by salacious reports promulgated by a few liberals clinging to America's coastlines."

DC stylists will not be left to manage this market shift alone. Salons in Cleveland, Ohio, site of the 2016 Republican convention, assembled a delegation to share lessons on managing the partisan peroxide demand. "We know what a shock it is to be overwhelmed with peroxide appointments and product demand. We were taken by surprise during the convention. No one could have predicted the sheer number of clients. When one sorority sister discovers you, word gets out quickly."

The Cleveland delegation arrived in DC this afternoon and was greeted by salon owners who located space for makeshift training studios in a number of Capitol area AME churches and synagogues recently listed for sale. Delegation spokesperson Apple Lee expressed, "We want our DC stylist brothers and sisters to know that they will survive. Enduring all that bleach is rough and it hurts. But hold your breathe, the fumes will eventually dissipate once people realize that color is what makes America great."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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