Charlie Brown Loses Virginity

Funny story written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Monday, 18 July 2016

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It's not just the pumpkins who are smiling!

The sequence of events began innocuously enough, with the Cute Little Red-Haired Girl flashing a shy smile in Charlie Brown's direction as she read the note which he had hidden in her spelling textbook.

When the final bell rang, she wasted no time in tucking her gym towel under one arm and taking Charlie by the hand, coyly leading him to a remote corner of the local pumpkin patch.

After her giggles and sighs were punctuated by his piercing cry of "G-g-gooood grieeeeeef!" she teased his quivering lips with a tender butterfly kiss before dismounting to lie beside him on the towel and lovingly caress his glistening sweaty body.

"You're a good man, Charlie Brown," she sighed, "but, if you can learn to hold it in for just a couple more minutes, you'll be awesome!"

After getting dressed, the young couple walked back into town, hand in hand, when Charlie spotted Lucy kneeling in the sports field, one hand on her football. He whispered into the ear of his beloved before releasing her hand and charging towards Lucy. With all the bravado of a man who has recently emptied his seminal vesicles, he ignored the football and, instead, kicked Lucy through the goalposts. "Good grief!" he exclaimed, "That felt almost as good as getting my rocks off!"

The next day, Peppermint Patty slapped Charlie on the back and congratulated him. "Atta boy, Chuck. You sure know how to pick out a little cutie-pie!" she enthused, before whispering in his ear: "Any chance we could talk her into a three-way? I could teach her just as much as she's taught you...."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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