Saturday, 7 May 2016


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image for Trump: the Dart of the Eel
Trump is truly a giant among men (apart from his micropenis)

Donald Trump has always been a slippery character, and no more so than in his business dealings. In his book "The Dart of the Eel" he explains how to be as slippery as he is, as he gives advice to would-be entrepreneurial conmen.

At the heart of Trump's philosophy are "The Rules", by which he lives his life, and by which he believes anyone can become as rich as he is.

Rule number one is "have a rich father". This is an essential requirement for any successful businessman, as it ensures a large starting investment. It also means that when the old man dies, you are guaranteed further money to prop up your business, no matter how badly it is doing.

Rule number two is "it doesn't matter if you fail". Trump has had many failed business dealings, but thanks to rule number one, he has always had some back-up cash to bail him out. So don't be afraid of failure, just be afraid of running out of money.

Rule number three is "treat everyone like shit". Although this might seem counter-intuitive, it is essential to success. Many people in business say that relationships should be carefully cultivated, and that treating others with respect is important. But the Trump philosophy is that if you can find someone gullible enough to give you every penny you ask of him, then you should milk him for all he has. Also thanks to rule number one, there is always enough money to bribe people who you have annoyed, or at least pay for lawyers to stop them suing you.

The final rule is simple: "be rich". It's very hard to make a million dollars from nothing, but once you have a million, it's relatively easy to make another million - just buy some property and you're guaranteed an income as long as you live. The rich always get richer while the poor stay poor, so make sure that you start off rich.

The book is truly an insight into the American dream.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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