President Assad Maliciously Smears Tony Blair

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Monday, 13 April 2015


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The infallible Fox/MSNBC broadcasting-apologetical complex has proved beyond all reasonable and even all rhetorical doubt, that President Assad is "an evil mass-murdering tyrant who is killing his own people."

But even if you had the immaculate cruelty and unbearable arrogance to doubt this, you'd maybe better read what he has to say about Our Tony.

Read and denounce:

Well, well, well... it appears that the most Venerated UK Emperor in (The End of) History™ and Number One Special Relationship Concubine™ Anthony Lynton Charles Blair has lost a modicum of sheen recently.

Aye: His Most Exalted Twitchiness was once known to the UK public by such endearing terms of familiarity (not to say euphemisms) as:

1. "Phoney Tony."

2. "Scary Blair."

3. "That scummy faux-Lefty bastard who sent daddy off to get shot and killed for no reason, leaving me and Mummy in abject poverty until Mummy committed suicide in despair and I became an orphan."

However, The-Man-With-The-Plan(-Or-Not) has recently been arrested and accused of the same thing he accuses everyone else of: wanton terrorist atrocities.

Still, by "everyone," of course, I don't really mean "everyone;" unlike the Westminster class; as the unchallenged leader of the global resistance against NATO hegemony, I'm not really down with false universality. In this case "everyone," strictly speaking, means:

"People who aren't white, aren't Western, live in a non-NATO country, and who are regarded by most Middle-Class-Champagne-Labourite-Socialists and Harrah-Mongering -Tories as being the uncivilized and backward shit of the Earth, who have to be saved from themselves."

In other words, anyone who doesn't belong to the "International Community," with its handful of top Dem/Rep hawks, and occasional token observing member (UK Minister for War or Viceroy of the British Humanitarian Empire); any such person is hardly to be considered part of "everyone."

I mean, if you can't be human or part of the "Cosmos" of White-Middle-Class-Western-Cosmopolitanism, then you can hardly be part of everyone, can you?

Still, maybe I should conduct a some punk-ass BBC-style hatchet-job interview with His-Most-Exalted-Unrepentedness, to elucidate this point?

Unless, of course, Our Tony refuses to engage with the questions he is asked...

But the latter is unlikely, because He is The-Universal-Exception/The-One-And-Only/The-Ultimate-And-Unmistakable-Not-Like-All-The-Rest-Er of our age.

Hence, you won't see him answering questions at the Hague any time soon; although seeing him in the near future (not to mention middle and far-off future) haranguing any non-White and non-Western leaders slung up before the Global Justice Wonks at the Oh-So-"International"-Criminal-Court is a distinct alternative possibility.

Sorry, it's not the time for snideness. It really is an International Court, and I ought not to have framed it so sarcastically.

I mean, after all, if you put all the White Western judges on one side, and all the non-White, non-Western defendants on another, you really DO end up with both kinds of people that exist in the world…

So in a sense, it really is a truly Global Institution.
Anyway, word has it among shitty gutter plebs and flea-ridden Oriental Winston Abdullah Smiths-Zedong like me...

(Yuck! Mere blacksmiths? How very vulgar, what must Tony think of me!)…

Yes, we have heard that recently, the former Guitar Hero/War Hero/Saviour of the Common Man has not been the Messiah; on the contrary, he's not even been a naughty boy. More like the Devil incarnate.

But don't take my word for it. Even Caliph Abu-Bakr al-Baghdadi agrees, and he's not the most conciliatory type, believe me.

(No seriously, please do believe me. If you think I'm a liar, what the hell do you call George Bush?)

Ed Miliband was unimpressed.

You know, as your friendly neighbourhood Labour political leader, I believe it is so important to be so very, very, kind to those around us.

You see, all those nice ordinary people out there, they really believe in me, because I am very gentle with them, and I don't tell them they are bad and silly like Mr Assad, and Tory Dave, and his nasty little friend, Greedy George.

An anonymous source in the US said:

Assad is OBVIOUSLY a liar. I mean, he claimed he didn't do those chemical weapon attacks; but would you trust the word of some lame-ass intellectuals from MIT over our politicians and military-industrial complex? Oh, COME ON, dude!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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