The last remnants of the allegedly "modern" and "progressive" faction of the Conspicuously Downtrodden Freedom Fighters in Syria™ have come up with a novel plan to prevent their allies in al-Qaeda and other far-left collectivist organisations from spending more time killing them than fighting President Assad.
"We asked Jabhat-al-Nusra and ISIS to come in and help us, but they turned on us and are slaughtering us like pigs," wailed one self-styled secular militant:
"I mean, we need to find someone else who can do the job properly. We've invited Bono to come and save us, he's good at that kind of thing.
"This is our last chance, but we believe if there is anyone at all on this earth who can help us win this war and preserve Our Common Humanity™, it's Bono. I mean, he single-handedly ended apartheid in South Africa, and just as the icing on the cake, he even turned the ANC from their child-burning, terroristic ways!
"Well yeah; now they only get involved with petty stuff like AIDS denialism and anti-Semitism. Similarly, the white racism of the apartheid government no longer exist. I mean, apart from the odd neocon devastating an entire country or region, we're practically living in a post-Anglo-Saxon-Supremacist world!"
Of course, President Assad is quite relieved to hear that Bono has refused to consider this generous offer (and not primarily for strategic military reasons!)
Hence, turning away from the closing credits of the implausible and stilted UK soap he is watching, he tells me, imitating the inimitable Yorkshire brogue of "Emmerdale."
(To wit, the greatest cultural achievement from Europe in the past few decades, apart from Eurovision and Swedish House Mafia):
"Hey, seriously, duck, I were ever so frightened... that were the scariest news I'd ever heard in my life.
"Aye, lad, it's been grim enough having to fight off all 'em jihadists, like.
"Oo 'eck, I tells ya; flamin' Nora wi' chuffin' benefits, mate!
"Lahk, all 'em flamin' jihadist, lahk... we've seen all 'em killings, lootings, executions, bombings, and we've stood firm; but if Bono had ever set foot in this country, I'd be out of there like a shot!
"Oo, now where' me Tetley's? That is a well good bevvie, thah should try that when you is needing a well good calm down, lahk! It's a bit difficult to get all 'em beers in these days, with all 'em Sharia 'n' that. A cup of good solid Yorkshire Tea, that is a raet good way to spend 'em day!"
It sounds like this is a missed opportunity for the rebels. Then again, I've surveyed several hundred Syrian civilians, and each of them were adamant that this is not happening:
"It's bad enough having jihadists rampaging through our towns and cities. If Bono comes here, this is the last straw!
"I mean, we can put up with a President who watches crappy serial dramas where you can't suspend belief for so much as ten seconds, and that are only watched by immature teenagers, metrosexual hipster men and sexually-frustrated housewives…
"Well, we can just about put up with it… you know, within reason…
"But the one thing we just CAN'T tolerate under any circumstances is a weak leader who refuse to do EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE to prevent someone like that crossing our borders!"
Not much popular support for the terrorists and their ubiquitously "melodious" potential allies, then, it seems. Still, there's always Peter Gabriel…
Or at a push, a well-known guitar-strumming former UK Prime Minister. Oo eck, sounds well good like.