I know you have all been waiting for this announcement before deciding how to vote in the next election, so - now is the time to give you the guidance needed to secure the future of the British Empire.
We owe it to Nelson and to Wellington - the eye, arm and boot of our glorious history - to keep right on to the end of the road.
Now looking at the riders in the forthcoming contest we can see that the Tories and Labour are neck and neck. Perhaps they will throttle each other. But there are a host of groups who see an unexpected chance of a slice of power.
There's Ukip - but apart from Farage who is a charming twit they are a group of also rans. The SNP is bent on enraging the English but most of us can't vote for them even if we want to. Much as I like the filly from the Greens - dear Caroline Lucas - their ideas do not chime with the need to maintain the Empire.
The Irish are not be trusted but neither are any of the others.
So what to do? There's no one to vote for. Russell Brand's Revolution will hardly keep the Empire going so we will emigrate to the Falkland Islands.
