Written by E. Williams

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

image for Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Weeks of Climate Change
Phil managed to escape Mayor deBlasio this year.

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - The world famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, made his annual appearance today, kind of saw his shadow, and proclaimed to America that there will be six more weeks of climate change. We spoke to Phil about his celebrity status and the pressure of accurately predicting the weather to hundreds of millions each year:

Good morning, Phil. How's it going?

"Oh hey, welcome to my hole. Yeah, this whole tradition thing, I sort of wish it would fade away. You have no idea how many sleepless nights I spend worrying about 'what if I get it wrong', you know? It's a tremendous amount of pressure. The years I get it wrong people come here and vandalize my place. I get hate mail saying I ruined people's vacation plans, it's a friggin' nightmare! Of course, when I get it right, it's nice because I get laid more often. Those are the good years. I can write my own ticket those years. Those are the years Bill Murray stops by to say 'Hi', which is nice. But it's such a crapshoot. I'll tell you one thing though, I'm a hell of a lot better than those guys who predicted that northeast blizzard last week! Man, I was cringing in my burrow when I saw those stories on the news."

"Lately though, it's gotten to where the fame is just not worth it. I have to worry about that idiot mayor of New York City, deFabio or something, coming by here. He killed one of my cousins from Staten Island last year you know. What a dumbass. And these douchebags with their top hats and tuxedos that come here every year? What the hell is that all about?"

"I've also taken a page from the liberal's playbook, using the term 'climate change' in my predictions each year, that way I'm covered either way, right? It's taken the pressure off of me. My blood pressure has dropped 28%! So, the attention is nice but, at this point, I'm pretty much just phoning it in."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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