Beaver Bay, OR (Car Seller's Weekly) - According to Earl Whitcomb, life-long resident of Beaver Bay, climate change is real. But it isn't caused by green-house gases or the use of fossil fuels. It is caused, asserts Whitcomb, by liberals and Communist governments from around the world.
Whitcomb told this reporter that he first became interested in the weather in the 1950s, when his father informed him that "those damn red commies can seed the air with chemicals to make it rain us all stupider than a road kilt beaver." Whitcomb believes the same scenario is possible today, although he believes the threat no longer comes from the now-disbanded Soviet Union, but from China, Iran, Brazil, the Japs, and, he says, he's starting to wonder about those "damn too-friendly Canadians." Plus, he added, "all them tree-huggin' granola eatin' college kids what been brainwashed by the liberal schools!"
Whitcomb said he started tracking the daily temperature of Beaver Bay when he was in high school and has continued to this day. Says Whitcomb "I only missed a day or two now and then, but I got the number from the paper the next day. Don't trust them damn liberal media, but you'd hope they could at least get the god-damned temperature right."
With the help of his niece, Whitcomb has moved into the computer age to track the local temperature. He told us that she set up the computer so he only needs to put in the temperature for the day and he can see a graph going back a week, a month, a year, or up to decades. "It's all right there in black and white," he said. "See for yourself!" Whitcomb showed us numerous graphs and charts depicting the daily temperatures in Beaver Bay over the past many years.
"Look here, see here, every year around March or April, you can see how them damn liberal commies are working to make the temperature go up. But then good Americans workin' hard every day get to work and by September or October we got the temperature back down, and them God-hatin' commies are on the run. But don't you believe it. They'll be back the next year. They always are."
Upon hearing that explanation by Whitcomb, his heretofore quiet wife Elsie Whitcomb entered the room and said "Oh Earl, that's just me changing the thermostat. Hush with all this nonsense about global warming and climate change. That's what we get when all you watch is Fox News and Rush Limbaugh." Said Earl in response "shut up woman!"