Twenty Signs to tell you that you are Dead

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 7 September 2014


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image for Twenty Signs to tell you that you are Dead
Is this You? Or.. do you watch TV a lot?

1. You think 'your' thoughts are worse than anybody else's. You have not thought about where 'your' thoughts have come from.

2. You are scared the people you respect and who respect you may find out and abandon you.

3. Killing people is okay, you believe, and your favourite movies are all about heroes and the relentless murder they bring.

4. You think sex is love because that is what they have told you since you left primary school.

5. You love to suffer and cannot imagine living without it. You are addicted to suffering. The more you suffer, the more you think you are in touch with your 'real self'. You have no intentions of giving it up because then you would just be happy and have no 'real self' and nobody would recognize you any more because you no longer serve their need to feel sorry for you. You hate 'empty', happy people because they don't know how to 'really' suffer like you 'really suffer'. In fact, nobody in the whole wide universe suffers like you 'really' suffer... especially at night and when it's raining and everything. Nobody has a clue even.

6. You love Country and Western songs. Especially the ones that go "I can't live without you". Because self pity is what you understand by the 'real self".

7. You believe all you read. "I read yesterday that..." is your favourite phrase.

8. You watch television for longer than ten minutes a day. Television is your 'friend', you believe. TV has you best interests at heart and is dedicated to bringing you the truth about everything.

9. You follow soccer and get really upset when 'your' team is stuffed.

10. You think the New World Order thing is a 'conspiracy theory".

11. You believe people who are healthily sceptical about how the world is run are suffering from what your 'faithful' media tell you is a mental aberration called "conspiracy theory".

12. You have no sense of humour and jokes aimed at your imagination you "don't find funny".

13. You believe, if you don't get what you want you will never be happy. Beyonce doesn't fart or get flu.

14. Now that you have got what you want you know you will never be happy because it was "not all it was cracked up to be".

15. You could have done things better but because you failed you must beat yourself up... minute.... by minute. That's what 'they' want.

16. One of these days you will kill yourself and all those who did not believe you were pure love incarnate will be very, very, sorry.

17. You think a piece of paper in your pocket is something else... called "money".

18. You think the internet is a great thing and Google is run by saints who have your spiritual welfare close to their hearts.

19. You tell Google everything about yourself with videos and photos and addresses and names of all your friends and their names and addresses and all your contacts' numbers and what your friends look like and what they read and like and eat and the movies they love and the books they read and the political views they hold and how wealthy or poor they are, and the same about your own family because..... you are a deer in headlights and do not know it. A deer waiting to be run over. But, you are having "fun surfing the net", so it doesn't matter. How could it? Because all your friends are caught in the headlights as well. You are dead. You have been killed off. NOTHING OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS YOU is 'your's' any more, not your intimacies with your beloved, your secret poems and communications, your deepest hopes and beliefs...NOTHING. You are dead. RIP.

20. You are not alive. In fact, you do not know what the word means. Worse, you don't want to know!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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