1)Spray a place mat with matt black paint - abracadabra!! - its an expensive Ipad to walk out of your door with.
2)Make the people next door think you are having a glamorous "Hog Roast" garden party by getting a large road kill fox and roasting it over 4 portable barbecues.
3)Make people think you have a posh car by offering Porsche owners free parking in your drive while they go to work on the train.
4)Wear ear plugs while playing radio 3 loudly, making them think you listen to elitist rubbish all the time.
5)Dress up in a smart uniform when you go to the bin - they will think you have a butler.
6)Stick children's gold stars on your front teeth to make them look like expensive dental work.
7)Use an earphone in the T.V. when you watch East Enders and Corrie so that they don't think you are uncultured.
8)Carry a Cello case everywhere to put your shopping in.
9)Keep Waitrose "bag for life" carriers in the house for when you shop at Lidl
10)Call your dog Bach or Tolstoy to make the neighbours think you have more education than common sense. (Bach is particularly good for this purpose).
