Written by Matt Brown

Friday, 13 June 2014

image for Man Loses The Plot
Mr Gitty as of today

Imagine walking through town. You have a beard. The beard sits on your face. You realise this and so turn to look into a shoppe window hoping to catch a glimpse of you with your beard. There it is you think, still there. Anyway after this you turn a corner (as corners are notoriously difficult to navigate if one keeps walking in the same direction) and all of a sudden you are confronted with a herd of boxes. Well, this is what happen to a person just last week! The man was Norman Gitty. 30 Year old (as if age has any significance to this story whatsoever), a wet wig polisher from County Durum. Whilst walking past Freddie's shallow graves, Norman find himshelf stopped in his tracks. Four boxes, one placed on top of the other were blocking his walking path. Being the great mind that he was having solved many sudoku's and crossword's in his time it should have been no problem to him but it turned out to be a great problem to Norm as it wasn't a crossword at all. It was quite a puzzle though to say the least and one which had him stumped. He first tried phoning his wife Florence Prune. Florence however turned out to be completely useless as she'd been housebound her entire life and wouldn't know what boxes on a street corn looked like.

After staring at the boxes and scratching his head for ten or fourteen minutes Norman began to get upset and started mubbering to himselve. 'I haven't got bloody time for this', he said, 'I'm gonna' miss my sodding bus'. Norman was right he was going to miss his sodding bus and he would be late for work. Norm began shuffling from side to side trying to create a spark in his tiny brain. All the while this was happening fellow pedestrians and cars alike were gleefully passing the boxes almost like boxes were never a problem to them. They started throwing dandelion and burdock and crackers at him and he enjoyed this but as time wore on and Norman's patience wore thin Norman decided that he better set up camp as the day was turning dark and cold.

Overnight Mr. Gitty slept on the cold and dirty floor of the high street and a dog even came and slept next to him to keep him warm. His biggest fear sleeping there was that someone would come and set him on fire because he had heard that it sometimes happens, but it didn't. He awoke in the morning with the boxes still towering over him and this gave him a massive headache. He took five aspirins, rubbed his eyes and then when he opened them the boxes were being moved by a friendly delivery driver. Norman smiled, packed up his things and got on his way. When he reached home Florence asked him why he didn't just walk around the boxes but he couldn't remember the whole thing ever happening.

But why did this happen and how come anyway? Well it seems Norman was the victim of selective attention. He was concentrating so much on the boxes that he completely forgot everything going on in the surrounding area. He saw the boxes and nothing else. The condition which can strike its victims at any moment was first discovered by Harry Houdini in 2002 whilst he was mowing the lawn and accidentally chopping his feet up as he did not realise there was a lawnmower in front of him.

Written by Hemmy Gimwrod

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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