Van Jones Blames Global Warming for Changing Benghazi Talking Points

Funny story written by E. Williams

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

image for Van Jones Blames Global Warming for Changing Benghazi Talking Points

Atlanta - Van Jones, former Green Czar for the Obama administration and current host on CNN's Crossfire, blamed Global Warming for the tampered with talking points regarding the Benghazi attack in 2012. He completely dismissed any nefarious involvement by Hillary Clinton or Susan Rice in the controversy.

Jones insisted that the climate was even behind the attack itself rather than blaming radical Islamists. "In September, in Benghazi, man it's hot out there! And what happens when it gets hot? People get crazy, that's what. That's what happened. Have you heard of our embassy in Finland ever being attacked? I rest my case."

When asked why the talking points were changed to blame a YouTube video instead of the truth, Jones went on to lay blame on the weather again. "Look, I don't want to get too scientific-like on your ass, but due to the havoc that Global Warming was wreaking in Benghazi that night, the heat caused our intelligence officer's fingers to slip on the keyboard and misspell lots of stuff. We misinterpreted the mistake-filled message to say 'YouTube video'."

"Damn you, carbon emissions!" Jones shouted. "Don't you get it? If we don't solve Global Warming now, this time next year there will be Benghazi's happening all over the world every night of the week! I don't see why people don't get that."

Fellow Crossfire host S.E. Cupp chimed in, "You'll have to pardon Van. His brain is fried and he blames EVERYTHING on Global Warming. Yesterday, he hit on a chick and when she turned him down, he blamed it on the coal industry. He doesn't make much sense so we just let it go around here."

After the interview, Jones was seen cramming his large frame into a smart car limo, powered with a lawnmower engine, to begin his short commute home. The next day, he was scheduled to join the President aboard Air Force One for a golf outing to Palm Springs where the duo would pump 600,000 tons of fossil fuel emissions into the atmosphere.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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