A List of 10 Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

image for A List of 10 Celebrity New Year's Resolutions
Miley Cyrus says she will not break her New Year's resolution.

Every year thousands of Tinsel Town celebrities make thousands of New Year's resolutions.

And according to The Amalgamated Data Gathering Agency of Chicago only about 3 percent actually keep those resolutions.

The ADGA stated that of the 97 percent that do not keep their New Year's resolutions about 69 percent are broken within the first week.

Most of these include dieting, drinking, gambling, being unfaithful, and fan mail.

Paris Hilton still holds the record for breaking her New Year's resolution quicker than anyone in LaLaLand.

Two years ago Hilton's resolution was that she would not use the phrase "I'm hot" anymore.

Her resolution was broken at 12:07 a.m. January 1.

And now...


  1. Kirsten Stewart - K-Stew has vowed to see a medical expert about finding a way to cure her perpetual smirk.
  2. Miley Cyrus - The former wholesome Hannah Montana star says she will continue pushing the envelope of indecency until everyone in the civilized world has seen every square inch of her body.
  3. Justin Bieber - His New Year's resolution is to realize that he is really a white boy from Canada and not a black boy from Harlem.
  4. Chelsea Handler - The talk show host has said that she wants to talk, act, and look grosser than she already does.
  5. Jessica Simpson - To get married.
  6. Taylor Swift - To keep a boyfriend long enough to be able to write more than one song about him after they breakup.
  7. Kim Kardashian - To do what it takes to make her butt even bigger so that Nicki Minaj doesn't pass her up in the Biggest Butt category.
  8. Alec Baldwin - To stop acting like a horse's ass all the time and start acting like he's older than Honey Boo Boo.
  9. Jennifer Aniston - (SEE #5).
  10. Russell Brand - To lose his very strong British accent so that people can understand him.

•HONORABLE MENTION: Rihanna - To get more self-esteem and less tattoos.

WRITER'S NOTE: I would like to thank Eva Longoria and Scarlett Johansson for graciously helping me to compile this list. -PICO DE GALLO, Tittle Tattle Tonight

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more