Twas the Night Before Congress (with apologies to Clement Moore)

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

image for Twas the Night Before Congress (with apologies to Clement Moore)
"You deserve to go hungry, you dumb parasites! You'll get no food here! Get out of my sight!"

Twas the Night Before Congress (with Apologies to Clement Moore)

Matt Birkenhauer

Twas the night before Congress, and all through the House
Not a creature was stirring, except for some louse
Who took down the stockings hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that a square meal might soon be there.

Poor children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of breakfast danced in their heads.
Their mom in her work clothes, and dad with no job
Looked long at their children and withheld a sob.

When out from the Capitol, there arose such a clatter
That Christ sprung from his Throne to see what was the matter.
He peered down to earth and saw in a flash
How the Kochs had bought Congress with ill-gotten cash.
Their gold on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave a luster of greed to the building below.
When what to Christ’s wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
With a prickly old driver with a heart filled with sand,
Christ knew in a moment, she must be Ayn Rand.

More rapid than eagles her coursers they came,
And she whistled, and drove them, and called them by name:
“Now Jordan! now Boebert! now Duncan and McCarthy!
On, Rand Paul! on Ted Cruz! Mike Braun and Mike Lee!
To the Capitol dome and its wholly-bought members
Now burn away! Burn away! Burn all to embers!”

So up to the dome top the coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of noise, and St. Ayn Rand too.
As Christ walked to the Rotunda, and was turning around,
Down the chimney came Ayn Rand with hardly a sound.
She was dressed in a pant suit, from her head to her foot,
And her soul all tarnished with ill-gotten loot.
A bundle of moochers she had flung on her back.
She looked like McScrooge with his gold-laden sack!

Her eyes—how they burned! And her expression, how bitter!
That Christ shook his sad head to have made such a critter.
The butt of a cig she held tight in her teeth
As the second-hand smoke formed a ghastly death wreath.
She had a pinched face and a sickly-thin frame--
She was stingy and cranky and filled Christ with shame.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to work
And emptied her sack and called all those poor “Jerks!”

“You deserve to go hungry, you dumb parasites!
You’ll get no food here! Get out of my sight!”

Then Rand sprang to her sleigh, and gave such a yell,
That the Devil awoke from his slumber in hell.
But Christ heard him exclaim, as he rubbed his red eyes,
“Thank God for Ayn Rand, and her greedy allies!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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