New Mental Illness Widespread says Doctor

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Monday, 31 December 2012

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Symptoms of Paranoia-Phobia

Reggie Mental editor of "Get Out of My Mind" details a recent interview he had with Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Fiddler ... all about a new mental illness his team of researchers claim to have discovered.

"Paranoia we all know about and nobody wants. Hence the new social fear on a par with any other phobia.... it is called Paranoia-Phobia. Yes, the fear of being paranoid. Already medication, a derivative of Lithium has been developed to cope with it. It prohibits speculation with regards to conspiracies of ANY type.

No side-symptoms have been so far reported except an irrational fear of not being able to afford a steady supply which is believed to be associated with the condition. Many people have welcomed this new discovery from the White House to Wall Street, from media and publishing gurus to the BBC in London, from MI6 to the CIA and from Scotland Yard to the British Conservative Party. Opponents, including most of the ambassadors from Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Cuba, Vietnam, Ireland and Africa say it is all bullshit. Fidel Castro is said to have laughed into his soup when he heard the news as did his food taster, the late Salmonella Consumpta. China and Korea say they have known about the affliction for years but are glad to see that proper medication is available at last.

We talked to CEO of the Psychiatric Research Clinic at Geneva who came across the ailment quite by accident during a recent visit to New York where he had been taking part in a global conference on the legitimate uses of mind control by government agencies. It was chaired by Rupert Murdoch.

"Conspiracy theorists are often right," explained Dr. Alfred Fiddler," but if they cannot obtain evidence to support their theory then they can often feel very stupid and be ridiculed of course by their friends and associates as "paranoid" or a "conspiracy theorist" which amounts to the same thing. This in turn isolates them and can lead to depression."

Paranoia becoming a social phobia in itself is of course nothing anybody saw coming despite common use of the word in media worldwide. Nobody seems to know how it arose or where it came from. Head of London's Masonic Lodge and England's Chief Justice, Hermann Gottbolt, was not available for comment.

I put it to the Doctor; "If conspiracy theorists are often right as you say, isn't it in the interests of conspirators to keep as much evidence from these theorists as they can?"
"Of course," said Fiddler after a pause. "But freedom of thought can be dangerous in the wrong from a clinical point of view, I mean... of course. What do you suppose the Leveson inquiry in England is all about? It is to ensure that the evidence is under strict control."
"You mean it is about facilitating secrecy? I thought it was for privacy... of the individual."
"I see what you're at. I won't be drawn on the question of privacy versus secrecy."
"So, you are in favour of information control?"
"I say, as a professional psychiatrist, we must act within reason at all times. I am not a big fan of dangerous people like Julian Assange. You just never know what people like that will get up to next? Do you? You would be a fool to trust them. Nobody should trust them. Nobody!"

Pharmaceutical companies have expressed great interest in the new medication which will be at a pharmacy near you in the near future. Happy New Year!"

Postscript: Shortly after this article was released Mr. Reggie Mental died from a heart attack while brushing his teeth. Foul play is not suspected.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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