The X-Factor: The Inside Story

Funny story written by Nick Hobbs

Monday, 22 October 2012


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Rylan Clark leaving The Ivy yesterday...

Simon Cowell's X-Factor television show is back on ITV for a ninth year running. The singing contest should probably have been cancelled about seven years ago.

The launch of the new series went largely unnoticed, and it has now reached the live shows stage, pulling in over nine viewers a week.

The list of talentless, non-celebrity, instant-celebrity egotists and wasters has not diminished. Some experts even said that the level of dross has actually increased on last years terrible batch of nobodies.

With stories of drunken antics in posh 'exclusive' London clubs and spats between contestants and judges, judges and judges and contestants and contestants, the general story line for the new series is no different from the last 6 series.

Dermot O'Dreary still moons and gurns his way through the show, as the judges (who, apart from Gary Barlow, really have no right to judge anyone on their performance techniques, and certainly not their dress sense!) say how wonderful everyone is, even when they blatantly were a pile of rotting cat sick!

The audience (tranquillised and brought in from the street) whoop and holler at the 'next big thing' Simon Cowell has told them to like. Albeit only for the Christmas number 1 (who is Joe McElderry? Please stand up Leon Jackson! Matt who? Oh, the hat wearing gimp, yeah I vaguely remember you...) as the publicity machine churns up and spits out each talentless idiot one after the other.

But it's not the winners that grate me so much. In many ways they've earned their place to be in the news. No, it's not them so much! It's the losers. They lose, and yet the media circus still buzzes around them 24-7 like flies on a pile of shit. And that is no analogy. They really are piles of shit! Human dross.

I don't care that some rakish knob, with skinny jeans and bad hair, stayed out 'til 3 am dancing in some club and texting on his phone. That is not news! So the one that went out in week four was seen talking to Fearne Cotton. Well they must be getting married... Tulisa had stern words with someone and they got upset? So? That is not news!

Day in day out for the length and breadth of the series we suffer this insane bullshit. Even now, when no-one actually watches the damn programme, we still see our internet news feeds jammed with what the latest fucktard from the Factor got up to last night! We don't care Mr Cowell! We really don't care!!

It's not news!

But it won't stop. I'm sure they'll eek it out for a tenth series. An anniversary maybe. With Simon back in the chair. That'll pull in a few punters for the first three weeks.

Probably enough to exchange contracts on another three series...and so it goes on.

I haven't seen a single episode of this series, nor have I read any articles on it (I'm conducting a test to see if I can actually get through to the end without knowing anything about the series) but I did see a few photo's of Rylan Clark the other day. *

Does anyone know a sniper?

(* I know! I know his name, so technically I've failed...see how the media does this?)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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