Written by Tommy Twinkle

Friday, 24 August 2012

image for Ron & Fred on A Very Quiet Day

"Art'noon Fred, feelin' any better t'day are yer?"

"Yeah, worst over Ron, still can't taste or smell anyfing though. Bloody colds."

"Lot ov it goin' rahnd mate. Least yer over the worst of it.... quiet in 'ere t'day ainit."

"Is now, yeah. A few in 'ere earlier there was."

"Dead in 'ere now Fred."

"She's a lazy cah that one."

"Oud'yer mean Fred?"

"Guvners wife sittin' up at the bar there. Mary, Lazy cah."

"Yeah, she is. Only time yer see 'er get off ov 'er stall is when she takes their dog Monty out for a walk."

"Drinkin' all the profits she is. Look at 'er there knockin' 'em back."

"Does like 'er gin n tonic does Mary, Fred."

"Lazy cah."

"This is very very quiet in 'ere aint it. Same all over mind, no one's abaht. High street's dead. I went in t' put me bet along there 'fore comin' 'ere, only punter in there I was. Undreds ov screens on the walls n no punters. Girl be'ind counter doin' 'er nails she was. Nice girl though."

"Not like the old days Ron, wiv the old blower."

"Oh, the old blower. Yeah, cor that's goin' back a few years Fred."

"No racin' on TV's in the bettin' shops then, couldn't move in 'em though."

"Country's gone t' the dogs mate. Too much racin' killed the golden goose I reckons, plus the fruit machines acourse."

"I've always kept away from 'em Ron."

"Few flashing lights attracts the kids n the mug punters dunnit."

"Used t' like the crane dahn the seaside as a kid though, dahn Saafend like. Till that day when I got a stale bar ov chocolate out ov it. Made me sick for a week that did. Lost its appeal after that the crane did."

"It's all gamblin' innit one way or anuvver."

"Yer don't see many bookies wiv 'oles in their shoes Ron. Only one winner aint there, and it aint the punter."

"Well I reckon I've shown a small profit overall dahn the years Fred. Aint made no fortune ov course, but then I'm not a big punter yer see. No, I aint lost wiv me gamblin'. So long as yer don't chase yer losses mate, just bide yer time n wait fer the right 'orse or grey'ound when the bookie's made a mistake wiv the price chalked up on 'is board. No I aint lost wiv me gamblin'. That bookie dahn the road will soon 'ave 'oles in 'is shoes mind if 'is shop carries on bein' as empty as it was t'day Fred. Even sooner if my 'Lucky 15' comes up what I've put on."

"Good the old blower was wern it. More excitin' like just 'earing some geezers commentary then 'avin 'im go off t' give a bettin' show at Park Royal dogs just as yer race entered the final furlong. 'Appy days."

"Mostly all gone now Fred, dog tracks. Gone t' the bloody dogs this country 'as. Aint it bloody quiet in 'ere. Where is everyone fer gawds sake!"

"Even Big Tony left soon after I arrived, and 'e always stays 'ere right up t' closin' time at night."

"Like a morgue it is in 'ere t'day."

"Yeah, it is now Ron."

"This beer smells a bit iffy t' me Fred. Tastes alright but smells a bit off like."

"I can't smell anyfing Ron."

"No, you said. Smells funny. Fink I'll try anuvver bitter next."

"No bar staff arahnd Ron. Linda said she 'ad t' go 'ome just after I arrived."

"I'll av t' try n get Mary t' get off 'er fat arse n serve me."

"Fat chance. Lazy cah."

"Where's the guvner then?"

"Gone out as well Ron, just after I arrived."

"Some pub this is aint it. Only customers 'ere and yer can't get a drink anyway."

"Yeah. You'd fink she would've swept it up though wouldn't yer Ron, lazy cah. All she said was, 'I was wonderin' 'ow long it'd be before someone trod in that just outside the door.' If she knew it was there she should've swept it up wiv a dustpan n brush or sumfing."

"Swept what up?"

"This on me shoe 'ere. Look. You'd av fort she would've swept it up 'fore lettin' someone go n tread straight in it."

"Pooooorh...bloody dog!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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