Ron & Fred on The Bible

Funny story written by Tommy Twinkle

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

image for Ron & Fred on The Bible
Well worth 10 pence!

"Art'noon Fred. What's that yer got there then?"

"Oh, it's wunner them bibles."

"Bibles? You feelin' alright mate? Get dahn t' yer doctor if yer not feelin' well."

"Yeah, course I'm alright. Ten pence it was at that car boot sale they've got on this morning outside that church up the road. Gotta be worf ten pence innit, God's word like."

"Nah, I fink you'll find that's not one of the originals Fred. What's it got on the cover, let's av a butchers."

"See, says The Holy Bible."

"Yeah, but look at the author's name, some geezer called King James. That's 'is version mate."

"Oh, bloody 'ell. I didn't notice that Ron.... Caught again."

"Well, it was only ten pence Fred. Wajja want wiv a bible anyway?"

"Just seemed cheap Ron. Anyfing in the cardboard box ten pence it said. Soon as I saw it in the box I says t' meself, that's gotta be worf ten pence of anyone's money that 'as, all them pages like. Bein' fin pages I s'pose the lady sellin' it didn't realise just 'ow many it contained. Dived in quick I did. Assumed God 'ad written it. Why d'yer reckon 'e made up 'is own version then, that King James geezer? You'd av fort eed av ad plenty ov uvver fings t' do wiv 'is time than go spendin' gawd knows 'ow long makin' up 'is own version of God's book."

"Does make yer wonder dunnit. Up t' no good is my guess Fred. Prob'ly wanted t' change a few fings God 'ad said that weren't to 'is liking, fings 'e didn't want 'is subjects t' get their eyes on."

"Lot 'ov wars in it Ron. Only read a few bits 'ere n there though just while I've bin sittin' 'ere waitin' for you to arrive."

"Well it'll be the old testiment you've been lookin' at Fred. Well known there's a lot ov wars in old testiment."

"Bit bloodthirsty it is Ron. God's a bit vengeful 'cording to King James 'e is. Don't take no nonsense like."

"Maybe King James was lookin' fer a scrap wiv the French or somefing when he wrote 'is version Fred. Get the English people in the mood for a scrap by tellin' 'em God's all for that sorta fing like."

"Def'nitely likes t' put 'is foot dahn 'e does. Not one t' get on the wrong side of 'cording t' King James at least."

"Nice pint this is Fred (burp). Decent 'ead on it as well."

"Yeah, that's what I fort when 'e poured 'em out. Much better beer 'ere at The Bell than at that uvver dump."

"Mind you Fred, 'is son turned out dif'rent to 'is dad."

"Yeah I fort I'd 'eard 'e 'ad a son. I aint come to 'is son yet, 'e must come later in the book."

"Yeah 'e does Fred. See, Jesus, 'is son's name, well 'e was all against the eye for n eye, toof fer a toof fing. Jesus went arahnd tellin ev'ryone t' turn the uvver cheek when someone thumps you in the gob, to forgive them for their violent be'aviour."

"Must'ave caused some arguments at 'ome Ron, 'cause 'is dad weren't like that cording t' King James."

"Don't fink 'e saw much of 'is real dad anyway, 'cause far as I remember 'is mum n dad split up before 'e was born n she shacked up wiv some geezer called Joseph who then took the place of 'is real dad when 'e was growin' up like."

"So we don't really know what became ov 'is real dad then."

"Well, they must 'ave kept in touch 'cause Jesus seems to 'ave been in contact wiv 'im Fred."

"I s'pose God used t' phone 'im up from time t' time just t' av a little chat wiv 'im, ask 'ow 'e was gettin' on at school wiv 'is football like."

"Yeah, 'course they didn't av the mobile phones in those days like they do t'day."

"Didn't even av a landline phone when I was a kid, just the telephone box on the corner ov the street. Lost touch wiv my old man by the time I was six I did. My mum used t' say 'e was a viscious git."

"I fink 'e must av bin good at sports and popular wiv the uvver kids though because far as I know 'e 'ad a few big mates."

"Need a few big mates 'e would if 'e was goin' arahnd offerin' 'is face to anyone wantin' t' take a pop at it. Few big mates arahnd t' make 'em fink twice like."

"Yeah, don't fink they played football in those times though Fred."

"Good at runnin' I s'pose. Plenty ov practice runnin' away after upsettin' people I expect. Turn the uvver cheek? More like turned 'is 'ead rahnd and ran if you ask me!"

"Yeah, well like I says, that's the King James version you've bought yerself there Fred. Bound t' be a few changes made in it from the original. I'm not sayin' you've bin dun. Fer ten pence yer can't really go wrong, and yer can't really expect t' pick up one ov the originals fer ten pence now can yer."

"They 'ad an old dart case next to it in the box as well. Wish I'd bought that instead now. Oh well, nehmind eh, yer learn by yer mistakes doancher!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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