Nottingham News for W/E 7th July 2012 - with comments

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 7 July 2012

image for Nottingham News for W/E 7th July 2012 - with comments
Busiest place in Nottingham - the Criminal Courts!

Monday 2nd July 2012

Topic: NHS waiting time - QMC - City Hospital

"Waiting times at Nottingham hospitals up by 82%"

Source: Nottingham Post

Extract: THE number of patients waiting longer than four hours in Nottingham's only accident and emergency unit has almost doubled in the past year.

Figures show that 10,831 patients were kept waiting for more than four hours in 2011-12 - a rise of 82 per cent on the previous year, when just 5,943 patients were affected.

The hospital says it is due to a rise in older patients with more complicated problems coming in, but others have suggested it is because hospitals are no longer fined for missing targets.

Comment: Oh, us older patients blamed eh? Have us all put down then, good idea!

Tuesday 3rd July 2012

Topic: Nottingham Police cut-backs

"Nottingham Police Force 'can improve its service despite losing police officers'"

Source: This is Nottingham

Extract: Police will lose more officers to its massive budget cuts but is planning well enough to keep reducing crime, inspectors say.

Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary spoke after investigating how the force was handling the Government's demand for it to make £44 million in savings by March 2015.

It could even improve its service to the public despite the cuts, said Zoe Billingham, of the inspectorate

The force has so far saved more than £7 million of the target.

She said: "Although the force is cutting more police officer posts than most other forces, it has developed ambitious plans which will significantly increase the proportion of officers dedicated to frontline, crime-fighting roles. That has meant losing hundreds of police officer and support staff posts.

Comment: Wait until this years riots start! Oh, they are late ain't they?

Wednesday 4th July 2012

Topic: Crime - Armed robbery

"Lloyds TSB raided by armed robbers"

Source: Nottingham News

Extract: Two robbers threatened a cashier at a Nottingham bank before escaping on a motorbike with a quantity of cash.

Police said the Lloyds TSB on Wollaton Road, Wollaton, was raided at about 15:00 BST on Monday.

The men were reported to have used a hammer and a handgun to threaten the bank worker before leaving on a red motorbike.

Both robbers were said to have been wearing parka coats and one was carrying a black sports bag.

Police have appealed for witnesses.

Comment: Everyday news for Nottingham, hardly worth mentioning?

Thursday 5th July 2012

Topic: Courts - Crime

"Nottingham teenagers punched taxi driver after he asked for fare"

Source: Nottingham Post

Extract: TWO men attacked a taxi driver after he chased them when they fled without paying.

A judge described cabbie Philip Horton's injuries as looking like someone had "walked on his head".

Matthew Parmley and Liam Triandafilou, both 19, had spent all their money on drink before they got in his taxi.

When Mr Horton pulled over in a lay-by near Ollerton, they fled with a third passenger, Luke Cresswell.

Mr Horton caught up with them in an alleyway, Nottingham Crown Court heard, and asked for his fare.

Then Parmley and Triandafilou punched him and left the scene with Cresswell.

Afterwards, Mr Horton raised the alarm and was taken to King's Mill Hospital, Sutton-in-Ashfield, for treatment to a cut to his head and eye.

Cresswell, 22, of Fourth Avenue, Edwinstowe, pleaded guilty to making off without payment. He was fined £250 for his involvement and will have to pay a £15 victim surcharge. No evidence was offered against him in relation to the assault.

Comment: No evidence was offered against him in relation to the assault???

Friday 6th July 2012




Extract: The deal will also aim to:

• Provide money to invest in a 'creative quarter' of high-tech firms

• Improve transport and introduce super-fast broadband

• Encourage university graduates to stay in the city by offering grants to set up businesses

• Turn Nottingham into a 'low carbon city'.

7,000 jobs could be created in Nottingham through a multi-million pound deal between central and local government.

Up to £60m will be used to transform a huge part of the city into a "Creative Quarter".

Comment: Hundreds of scared benefit seekers have used their bus passes to look for housing in other Cities today!

Saturday 7st July 2012

Topic: Crime - Gun crime - Robbery - Courts

"Terrified customer thought raider was going to shoot him"

Source: Nottingham Post

Extract: shopper feared he was going to be shot in the head when he walked in on a robbery at a shop in Nuthall. Daniel Lawrence pointed what was later found to be an imitation gun at the customer during the raid at McColl's convenience store, in Ash Crescent.

Lawrence had also pointed the gun at the face of the shop assistant and was waiting to be handed money from the till.

Nottingham Crown Court heard he had an accomplice who wore a black paisley bandanna and carried a knife.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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