Attempted Suicide At Goosey Holler, Kentucky (Bluegrass #8)

Written by Bureau

Sunday, 18 March 2012

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Aunt Edith in her younger days!

(1952: Pete's Country Store)

Abe and Sally Foreside come in the front door of Pete's Country Store fanning gnats.

"Pete we saw the Liberry Truck leavin the store. Did our books come in?"

"Looks like you brung a swarm of dog-pecker gnats in with you. Let me see. She left about 20 books and magazines. Of course, there's a dozen National Geograffics for Joe Linseed. He's probably lookin' for more naked pigmies. You send for this classic, Sally...'Maybe Dick'? That yores?"

"Yep. 'Maybe Dick' changed my life. I want to reread it. Did 'Phoney Baloney: The Rolled Up Sock In The Pants Scam' come in? That's one big eye-opener!"

"Yep. It's here and these two: 'Broke My Fish Pole At Donny Brook' and 'The True Adventures of The Riders of the Purple Hangers' are yorn, Abe."

The door opens and Uncle Yumpin Yimmini sticks his head in.

"Pete...Yumpin Yimmini! I can't come in..there's a swarm of dog-pecker gnats after me and no wonder. I smell to high heavens. Come on out hyar on the porch."

"Whewee! Pete, me and Abe are leavin by the back door. That smell is enough to puke a buzzard off a gut wagon."

(Pete, now on the porch with Uncle Yimmini but backing up) "What's wrong Unc...Whewee! You step in a pile of cow manure, Yimmini?"

"Naw Pete. It's worse than that. Though you done give me an idee."

"What did you want?"

"Mammy tried to kill herseff last night, Pete. Tried to gas herseff to death."

"She turn on the gas and put her head in the oven?"

"Naw. She ate six bowls of pinto beans, five bowls of butter beans and one bowl of navy beans. Mammy never did care much for navy beans. Then she ate a whole boiled cabbage and washed it all down with a six pack of Ertels 92 beer. Then she had a dozen baked sweet taters for dessert. Mammy been threaden to kill herseff for 60 years now! I come home from working out in the field and opened the front door and the next thang I knowed... it was daylight and I was lying there about halfway in and halfway out of the front door this morning. Mammy done throwed a pan of dishwater on my head."

"Will she be OK?"

"Doc says so. He was over thar on the porch seeing to her when I come over here. Using a bicycle pump. I couldn't stand it anywheres around the place. But I reckon I breathed all that stuff all night. Why, I belched awhile ago and killed our dog, Fudd. Hope Mammy don't try that again. I'm staying outside. I wonder why Mammy don't like Navy beans Pete? I think I'll go kill myseff."

"You'll be OK Uncle Yimmini. Just stay outdoors and get some different clothes on."

"Outdoors. I'll have to crap outside too. One good fart and that'd be all she wrote!"

"Well, don't come into the store. Otherwise, can I help?"

"Naw. You done helped. I'm heading out to the cow paster and stomp cowpiles. They might cancel out some of this...scuse me....Cough! Cough!!!.. swallered a dog-pecker gnat shore as the world. Yumpin Yimmini!!, everthang happens to me. I'm off, Pete. Thanks for the tip."

(Pete) "Fine start to my day too. Gotta get something to get rid of these gnats and perfumigate the store."

Two hours later:

"Hi Aunt Edith. Need some snuff?"

"Buttermilk. Uh, Pete. Old man Yimmini is crackin' up. He's in his second childhood. He's out in Wallace Elmore's cow paster jumpin in piles of fresh cow patties."

"Yeah. He was by here earlier."

"Smells like it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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