Getting High In 1932 (Bluegrass #4)

Funny story written by Bureau

Monday, 27 February 2012


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image for Getting High In 1932 (Bluegrass #4)
Fret Phelps used to "Hang Around" this very barn

Getting High In 1932 (Bluegrass #4)

1932, Goosey Holler, Kentucky

Harold & Lester hear some big news.

"Harold, Effie done told me that Uncle Pete's got some sody pop in at his store. Wanna go try one?"

"Shore! But what if we get addled?"

"I don't think they're THAT strong. Come on. I got ten cents burnin' a hole in my pocket."

Harold and Lester make the 30-foot walk to Pete's Country Store and order a sody pop each. Uncle Pete has to draw a bucket out of the well inside the store, where he keeps the milk cold and now, the sody pop.

"You feelin anything yet, Lester?"

"Yep! Kinda like a burnin in the back of the throat. You?"

"Not much. I'm ordering another one. Here's my nickel, Pete."

(Pete) "You want another one, Harold? I hate pulling that big bucket up for a nickel."

"OK, Pete. I'll try to drink jest one more. But I don't want to walk outa hyar irrespon...irre..don't want to fall on my face."

"Harold, you and Lester heard tell bout how Hannah Belle done scared the shit out of her brother, Redo?"

"Naw. What happened?"

"You know about Fret Phelps hanging hisself in the barn? Redo was the one who found him. Well, Hannah Belle knowed Redo was walking past that barn on the way home after workin the sawmill so she gets up there and ties a rope over the beam Fret used to hang hisseff. Redo come whistlin by…he was already bout haff scared. All over sudden, out swung Hannah Belle on her rope clicking her boots together like those Fred wore."

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Then what happened?"

"Redo took flight and Hannah took off running back home and beat him to the door. Seems Redo got tangled up in some saw briars. Ha! Ha! Now she's feared to tell him it was a joke cause he's all scratched up."

"Well, we better go Harold", states Lester, while catching his heel on the pickle barrel and flying head first out the screen door.

(Pete) "I think he's in a hurry, Harold."

"Seems like it. I thank he's plum snuckered on sody pop."

(Outside) "Walk next to me, Lester. You go home like that and Shrinie will wear a broom out over yore head."

Suddenly, Harold snags his toe on a tree root and suddenly goes flying head first into the dirt road.

"SAFE!!! Good slide Harold! Ty Cobb couldna done better. Otherwise you would have been tagged out for shore. You know what? We're both drunk as hoot owls. Let me help you up, Harold."

(Voice) "Howdy boys. You're Harold and you must be Lester. How come you fell on yore face, Harold?"

"Fret Phelps!! Ohhh, I just saw a dime in the road and dived to get it before Lester here could."

"Well, I'll be here another week or so. You got a dog turd on yore forehead Harold. I hear there's sody pop at Uncle Pete's store."

"Just had some. Good to see you agian, Fret."

"We gotta sobber up. Shrinie will be back from bargain huntin at the stockyard in bout two hours. I need some coffee…Ohhhhhhh......I just remembered something, Harold. We saw Fret last week didn't we?"

"Shore nuff. He's alright is old Fret. Had a big ole smile... …..Ohhhhhhh, Lester. It was at his Funeral."

"No more sody pop."

"No more sody pop."

Meanwhile back at the store:

"Howdy Bret. Hadn't seen you in a coon's age."

"It's been 30 years, Pete. Just saw Harold and Lester. Harold had a dog turd on his forehead. They waz just youngin's when me and Ferny left here but they look just the same, only full grown. Had to come back and settle Fret's E-state."

"We'll miss ole Fret around here, Bret."

"Yeah. I had a bad feelin last week and it turns out that it was just when Fret hanged hisself, I bet. Twins are like that, I guess. It was bout 5 PM, Thursday. That was bout the time he died."

"Actually…that was about the time Hannah Belle scared the shit out of her brother…..oh, never mind. Want a sody pop?"

"That's what I'm here fer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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