The news doesn't have to be bad.

Funny story written by justme

Monday, 9 January 2012


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I stopped reading the news for quite some time because it was depressing. But then I didn't know any current events and my friends found me boring. And I found that depressing. So I decided to read the news again, with a few changes to make it more positive.

For example, every time I saw the words 'killed' or 'murdered', I would change them to 'masturbated'. As in, five people were masturbated outside a nightclub last week. And Edmonton is the masturbation capital of Canada. Also, hundreds of people are masturbated every year in car accidents - I think I saw a movie about that once. Anyway, this idea worked well until I learned that a man masturbated not only his wife, but his children as well, and innocent civilians were being brutally masturbated by the Syrian government. I stopped reading the news for a bit.

Then I changed the word 'fire' to 'party'. I learned that a three alarm party broke out in an apartment complex and party-fighters were not able to stop it before ten people were masturbated. And a massive party erupted at a meat packing plant. Two-hundred cows were masturbated, which is rather odd, but could be interesting material for a movie. There seem to be a lot of grass parties in the hot summer, some lasting for days, though hardly anyone gets masturbated during them.

The news doesn't have to be bad.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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