Written by Inchcock

Saturday, 24 December 2011


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image for Nottingham News for W/E 24 Dec 2011 - with comments
Still a danger to humans when dead and frozen!

19 Dec 2011: Nottingham Police launch a crackdown after increase in burglaries
Category: Crime
'Nottingham Evening Post'
Police have launched a crackdown on burglaries after a rise in offences in Nottingham.

In October, Home Office National statistics from June 2010 to June 2011 showed that the number of burglaries had fallen. They fell by 32% or nearly 3,000 fewer victims.

But in October, Nottingham burglaries went up slightly, from 878 the year before to 984.

An operation running through December is now under way to crack down on burglary. Special Constables will be used for extra patrols, officers will work longer hours, and a number of known offenders will also be visited throughout the initiative.

'Not surprising they are using Special Constables, after the cut-back of 244 full-time officers in Nottingham!'

'I did get a leaflet through the door from the police, telling me of burglaries this week on my Street, and reminding me I live in a high crime area. Bet that scared the shit out of the criminals?'

20 Dec 2011: Make it hard for shoplifters
Category: Crime
'Nottingham Evening Post'
Shops in Nottingham are being urged to protect their stock following an increase in shoplifting.

Offences in the city have increased by 48.6 per cent since April1, 57 more offences than the same period last year.

In a majority of cases, the items stolen are of high value rather than cheaper grocery items, and Notts Police Authority wants to send out a warning to shop owners.

Chairman Jon Collins said many incidents could be avoided if retailers didn't make it so easy for offenders. He said: "There will always be opportunists who stop at nothing to steal property, but we can make it a lot harder for them.

Businesses are also encouraged to avoid, where possible, placing high value goods in the shop window as this can result in "smash and grab" offences, the authority said.

'Nothing to condemn or deter the thieves? Only blaming the retailers? - Says a lot about society today!'

20 Dec 2011: Another Armed Robbery in Nottingham
Category: Crime
'Nottingham Today'
A robber armed with a gun, who masked half his face with a pair of yellow boxer shorts is being hunted by police after he held up a city hairdressers.

The man - described as black, and 5ft 7ins - walked into Shades hairdressing salon in Alfreton Road, Radford, and demanded cash from staff and stole a gold bracelet from a customer.

There were 14 armed robberies reported this week in Nottingham, confirmation of the city's claim to be the most violent one in the country!'

20 Dec 2011: Man in hospital after city centre stabbing
'Nottingham Today'
Category: Crime
Police are appealing for information about a city centre stabbing, which has left a man in a critical condition in hospital.

The 35-year-old victim was attacked in Pilcher Gate just before 2am in the early morning hours of today following an altercation in the street between the party he was with and another group of men.

He received several stab wounds to the body before his attacker fled into the nearby Escucha bar, in Fletcher Gate, and then exited the venue through a different door.

The attacker is described as an Asian man, about 5ft 6ins tall and of slim build. He is believed to be bald and to have a thin goatee style beard.

'Another knifing in Nottingham, I'm surprised they bothered to mention it?'

20 Dec 2011: Rapist jailed for ten years
'Nottingham Today'
Category: Crime
A car wash worker who attacked and raped a woman on a cycle path off the city's ring road has been jailed for ten years.

Rebwar Omar got into a taxi at the same time as his 23-year-old victim, claiming he was going the same way. When they got out at the Crown Island, Old Radford, Omar followed his victim before grabbing her around the throat and subjecting her to a serious sexual assault.

Omar, a 29-year-old Iraqi national who is an illegal immigrant, was convicted of rape following a trial at Nottingham Crown Court. He was arrested at a car wash near Radcliffe-on-Trent after he was traced through DNA.

Detective Constable Shaun Pollard, said: "She was absolutely terrified and in fear of her life at the time, and utterly distraught afterwards.

He has showed absolutely no remorse and by pleading not guilty has put his victim through the stressful ordeal of a trial in which she was cross-examined and had to relive the nightmare of her assault.

'I bet the poor girl will still be suffering after ten years, will that animal?'

24 Dec 2011: Swap the turkey for some jerky
Category: Light hearted
'Erik Petersen: Nottingham Evening Post'
ANY bird that requires you to shove seasonings and breadcrumbs up its proctological regions just to make it tasty, is a bird you probably don't need to eat in the first place.

Honestly, we shouldn't even have to go over this every single Christmas. I don't like turkey. You don't like turkey. None of us wants to take out a loan to buy a turkey.

And yet here we are, locked in this dysfunctional relationship with a flavourless bird that needs cooking for half a day just to make it presentable.

It's nothing but trouble. I mean, what other foods have telephone hotlines for when you freak out trying to prepare them? "Hello, this is 0845 W-e-e-t-a-b-i-x. Uh uh, uh huh … no no no, milk second! SECOND!..."

24 Dec 2011: Nottingham News in Brief
Category: Various
'Nottingham Evening Post'
Nottingham Aspley: A man who punched a grandmother has been sentenced to four years and nine months of detention. Teon Bickley, 20, of Allendale Avenue, Aspley, admitted criminal damage, grievous bodily harm, two counts of actual bodily harm and possessing an offensive weapon. The attack on grandmother Julie Cresswell happened in Allendale Avenue, on July 6, as she helped her neighbour who was being attacked by two men.

Nottingham - 64 thefts from cars in five days is a 'fall in crime: Superintendent Mike Manley said: "While this may seem like a high number of thefts in such a short period of time, we are actually seeing a 16 per cent reduction in this type of crime compared to the same period last year."

Tips for Nottingham residents to get the job they love: Tips to get the job!

Accidents with Turkeys this year in Nottingham: One person suffered a fractured skull when a frozen turkey fell on their head, two have suffered broken foot bones dropping Turkey, four have suffered broken toe bones, three have suffered freeze burns, eight people suffered cut which required stitching, and one who was among seasonal injuries reported in Nottingham, suffered a burnt lip???

Emergency Consultant Dr Andrew Dove, of Nottingham University Hospital NHS Trust, said: "There is the usual seasonal aspect to accidents.

Anyone with any information about those committing crimes are asked to contact:
Notts Police on 101 or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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