Nottingham News for W/E 7th Jan 2012 - with comments

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 7 January 2012

image for Nottingham News for W/E 7th Jan 2012 - with comments
1st Jan 2012: Legal immigrants - Who can blame them?

1st Jan 2012: A ceremony to remember those who lost their lives as a result of violent crime in Nottinghamshire is held
Category: Crime - Remembrance - Service
'The Mansfield Chad'
Nottinghamshire Police fully supported the memorial service, which was held at St Andrew's Church, Mansfield Road, Nottingham.

The service which included songs, readings and poems to promote 'togetherness' and 'support for each other', while offering people a moment of quiet reflection and remembrance.

The event also commemorated anti-gun campaigner Janice Collins, mother of murder victim Brendon Lawrence, who lost her battle with cancer last December.

Type of Crime: Burglary
Nottingham: 15.1
National Average: 9.6

Type of Crime: Criminal damage
Nottingham: 19.2
National Average: 12.7

Type of Crime: Drug Offences
Nottingham: 8.8
National Average: 4.2

Type of Crime: Offences against Vehicles
Nottingham: 11.3
National Average: 8.2

Type of Crime: Fraud and forgery
Nottingham: 3.1
National Average: 2.7

Type of Crime: Robbery
Nottingham: 3.3
National Average: 1.4

Type of Crime: Sexual Offences
Nottingham: 1.7
National Average: 1.0

Type of Crime: Violence against the person
Nottingham: 22.9
National Average: 14.8

Type of Crime: Other theft offences
Nottingham: 32.3
National Average: 19.3

Type of Crime: Other Offences
Nottingham: 2.7
National Average: 1.2

Crime Comparisons

3 Jan 2012: Woman glassed in a Nottingham nightclub
Category: Crime
'The Nottingham Evening Post'
Violence flared in Arriba, St James's Street, on May 1 last year, Nottingham Crown Court heard. Drinks were being thrown around and Hill lost her temper and lashed out at Joanne Bampton.

The 20-year-old Hill, who has worked as a voluntary carer, wept as she was sent to prison for 18 months, of which she will serve half, after pleading guilty to unlawful wounding.

Judge Tony Mitchell told her the victim would have to live with her scars for the rest of her life and has to have ongoing treatment. He said: "You stand before the court at the age of 20 with many things that can be said about you that can be positive; and it is even more tragic you stand before the court, as you do, having pleaded guilty to causing grievous bodily harm to another female. "You do so in a way which is extremely serious because you used a weapon. That weapon was a glass."

Hill, of Primrose Street, Carlton, told police she had been drinking and people were bumping into each other and throwing drinks over her. She said she pushed the victim but forgot she had the glass in her hand. She had meant to hit her on the shoulder but struck her face.

The judge said: "This defendant has no previous convictions. She works in the care profession and is doing voluntary work in a care home."

"Welcome to Nottingham reader - it's not all bad news though, read below, the Council are planting trees near where an 84-year-old lady was mugged and hospitalised in October last.

3rd Jan 2012: 'Proud of Nottingham
(Labour's Political Paper (Winter)
Category: News propaganda
Front-page headlines:
Labour delivers improvements to Woodthorpe Park
They have replaced the vandalised toilets that were closed in 2004 - and built a cafe facility to be run by local charities.

"Fair enough, thank them very much."

Back-Page Headlines:
New Trees to be planted on Hall Street (as promised)':
Hall Street, you will recall from earlier Nottingham News reports, is where the cars were robbed, damaged and stolen from in the last two months, just around the corner was the bus stop that the 84-year-old lady was mugged and hospitalised in October last, that is just across the road from the food store that was robbed at knife-point in December, that is just up the road from where a 65-year-old-man was mugged, outside the closed down police-station where they removed the vandalised trees and placed seating that has now got colourful graffiti decorating it.

"I'm so glad they are planting more trees, just what the community need in this (my) area to make us feel safer!"

5th Jan 2012: £300,000 to help migrants sleeping rough in the Nottingham
Category: Immigration - Rough sleepers
'This is Nottingham'
The grant is for the development of a dedicated service targeting economic migrants who find themselves homeless as a result of the economic downturn. The funding will be used to provide temporary accommodation linked with alcohol detox and support, as well as offers of repatriation for people to get support in their homelands.

Framework has successfully applied for £248,000 from the Department for Communities and Local Government, while Nottingham City Council has added £60,000.

'You cannot blame the legal immigrants for being here - who allowed them to come into the country and be worse off than they were in the one they left?"

7th Jan 2012: 152 people arrested for drink-driving over festive period
Category: Crime - Alcoholism
'This is Nottingham'
The statistics show that from December 1 last year until January 1, 2012 there were 152 arrests for drink driving. This is five more people than over the same period in 2010.
Over the same period street crime offences were up 40%, shoplifting by 10%, and house burglaries by 15%.

If Robin Hood was alive now, he'd be very busy with the Robbing Hoods of today!"!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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