Pollsters were out in the streets of Nottingham yesterday. The were asking for people for their name, occupation, views on the economy of the UK, and who they intended to vote for in the next election.
These figures and facts will be used in formulating a table of Nottingham's populace statistics and traits.
Robin Umblind (41)
Lawyer - for the Pain & Fears legal company
"The basic precept that a catalyst for ecomonmic rebirth, can be propagated while allowing assiduity, or aphnology to the needs of the tatterdemalion masses, would be total in its fatuity, and only bring about a enforced Force Majeure from the ruling bodies. It is essential that we do not permit such a tragedy to occur, for the sake of our financial institutions."
Seymour Flesh (36)
Porn Supermarket Manager
"Wiv the prices of everyfing goin' up all the time, we in the Adult Leisure industry are sufferin' like all the uvers in Nottinum. Soon it'll only be the rich that can afford to cum un shop wiv us! Cum fink of it, it's like that nar!"
Ophelia Taccle (39)
Lady of the night
"Well the Tories do pay more, but they like a lot of extras, like we have to pretend to like, and think they have upstanding members. I suppose the Labour lot will not get back in until they find a leader who actually does something. Brown destroyed them nationally, thank heavens here in Nottingham we have a Labour council, they will not allow enough policemen on the streets to bother me or the other girls."
Marshall Law (55)
"Well I'm well pissed off with the Tory led Coalition shower, they mouth off about law and order, then cut the Police force, sorry Service, Fire Brigade, and the NHS while increasing VAT after promising not to, and giving themselves an increase in expense allowances, the nepotistic Bastards! I've been made redundant, and leave next month. I might become an advisor, not like Ffion Hague, a paid Barclay's Bank advisor though, I'll do it for free... I'll advise the next set of rioters on how to do a better job of attacking and fire-bombing, not Police Stations, but MPs houses! The swines, gits!"
M. Balmer (33)
Funeral Parlour Embalmer
"People are opting for the less expensive funerals all the time nowadays. On the bright side, the Coalition is helping us a little, when the full effects of their cuts takes a grip, we'll have more pensioners dying of hypothermia, rioters and policemen killed, and more traffic accidents. So I'll have to go for the Tories, then my job will be safer you see?"
Owen Cash (63)
Unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer
"I lost mi job in 1963. Bin lookin' fer wok ever since. Un it's gerrin' 'arder anall. Thes nine in mi famly, ol livin' at 'ome. Taint eassa meking ends meet. I blame the Labour lot fer geeing me to much muney in the first place. All me mates at the gold club agree."
'None Voter, but might give Labour a vote this time'
Pat Myass (34)
Housewife and socialite, and sister of Osborne
"The beneficial effect of the Governments exemplary policies will eventually benefit the upper class, hard working ruling class, and unfortunately then the slubberdegullion masses as well. The genius shown by the Tory leadership and Ministers, in getting the country out of the Labour party, is brilliant in its conception. I cannot praise them enough."
Overall results of intended voting part of the Nottingham survey:
Labour - 104
Conservative - 21
Lib-Dem - 1
BNP - 4
EDL - 3
Green Party - 5
UK Independence Party - 3
Others - 3