Sam, Cam, & The Seven-hundred-thousand Pound Plan

Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 7 November 2011

Here at Back and to the Left news we are dedicated to bringing you more examples of politicians pissing your money into the wind.

Since playing a 1-1 draw with the Lib Dems at the 2010 general election, the home of the British Prime Minister has undergone a complete refurbishment. David Cameron has lost his battle to continue lying to the public about how much it cost for his wife's re-fit to 10 Downing Street.

Despite the fact the house already had a nice door (which was painted) several windows and its own ornamental policeman, Sam Cam decided that the whole place would have to be done up to fit in with her more "artistic" needs. Much like every other brow beaten husband Mr. Cameron agreed as long as it wouldn't cut into his hobby too much(which is setting up fake Twitter accounts and using them to laugh at the poor).

The first part of the house to be upgraded was the pen that they keep Nick Clegg - the family pet - in. Mr Clegg can now almost stand up in his pen, has a dimmer switch in his main hutch and no longer needs to go outside to go to the toilet. A large bucket has being placed near his food bowl.

Satisfied with the £39,000 cost to the taxpayer, the Cameron's decided to reign in the next part of the refurbishment. According to our sources (who have asked not to be named due to fears about their safety, apparently David used to nipple twist them at school) the Cameron's always spoke of their dream to have a tiger skin rug in the front room. So David and Sarah went on holiday to India, hunted and shot a mother and her three cubs to finally fulfil their dream. The mum is stretched in front of the TV while the cubs have been stuffed and mounted at various points around the house. When asked by our reporter why he had done this David replied "It is to give the house a more "jungle feel" so that African delegates will feel more at home, wait until you see what I've done with the bones!" Our source believes as tiger bones are a known aphrodisiac they will be probably be slipped into Ken Clarke drink at the next cabinet meeting.

The bathroom was the coup de grace for the British taxpayer as every surface was coated in six inches of gold plate. Which is enough to stop a bullet and easy to clean if "Cleggy" (what the kids call him) has an accident. Two life size statues of Dave have been carved from gold leaf and constantly urinate champagne into the bath. This completes the resplendent and god-like ambiance of the room.

The most interesting feature of the house is the new anti-riot protection equipment. Where most of us have to make do with a dog or twelve inch "cooking" utensil the Prime Minister has developed a unique way of protecting his family. In times of crisis an emergency button can be pressed and the house will rise seventy feet into the air. On it's new legs it will then start to move until all the hoodies go away.

So while the rest of us burn our treasured family possessions to keep from dying this winter, spare a thought for the Prime Minister who has completely pimped out his house to the tune of £700,000. You might even get a chance to see the house for yourself as Davey has put a advert out for some home help. You can go and be a foot stool for a member of his family during the Christmas period. Just be careful if Clegg cocks his leg at you.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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