Obama's Social Security Solution

Funny story written by patrick oliver griswold

Monday, 24 October 2011

Hey kids! I have been buzzing around the White House lately, listening here, listening there, and heck I just flew off the wall in the president's office in the west wing. Whoo Boy! Do I have some juicy stuff for you today!

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Dennis Hippoboscoidea. Yep, I know. I'm a house fly. Watch it buddy, keep up the jokes and I'll give you a healthy dose of dysentery. Anyhoo, that cracker VP of Obama's left the door open again and I just happened to be in the neighborhood, so...I invited myself in, buzzed around Junior's head awhile -- guy swats as well as he runs the country -- and landed on the wall. Some of Obama's cabinet was sitting on the couch, drinking Scotch, scratching their heads. Seems I came in halfway through a planning meeting. Obama, sitting in his highchair, had that look on his face, you know, the one where he tries to look wise but ends up looking like an arrogant ass****.

"There's just too many old Americans, guys. We are not collecting enough payroll tax to pay for their free ride, Social Security. If we raise the worker's taxes, they won't vote for me. Come on, fellas, there's got to be a way out of this."

"Sir, taxing the rich capitalists could put a dent into the program at least. You know, a 60, maybe 70% tax for those rich crackers pulling down $200,000 or more," the chief of staff said, massaging his boss's neck and shoulders.

"Mr. President, I have maybe a better idea," Eric Holder said. "Let's just put them all on the Obama Care Insurance program. Most of them couldn't possibly afford it. Can't get their medication, can't see a doctor. They'd kick the bucket long before election day."

"Won't work" the President said as he practiced bending over for his upcoming trip to Japan. "No, we need a quick solution to stay in the cottage four more years, I promised you guys a fortune if you'd help me keep this gig. Afterward, I know some people in Chicago could make you all rich in four years.

"So, here's my idea. It worked with Detroit. Loan Sharked 'em money and then we owned 'em, just like my hero's in Illinois. Too bad some of those guys now list their addresses as Joliet State Pen… My idea: we offer all the nursing homes and geriatric hospitals money, you know, kinda of like an old person's stimulus package. And then Bamm! We own em. Then we send in our team of doctors and nurses to poison their afternoon Jell-O snacks and they drop like flies."

(Ha ha, get it? drop like flies? This asswipe's a moron. A stinkin' flyaphobic…)

Obama stood up and walked over to the men drinking scotch. He looked at his new chief of staff, Bill Daily, and grinned.

"Kinda like what your daddy did back in the day over in Chicago, huh... wink wink."

Vice President Biden jumped in, "I don't know about this, Barry. Last time we tried a stunt like this it blew up in our faces. The CEO of Solyndra won't even return my phone calls, he's so mad."

Obama looked at his vice president and scowled. "Joe, shut up. I told you, you're on a short leash. Means you do not talk unless asked for your opinion. Any one here asked for your opinion, Mr. B? The VP looked down at the floor, shame written all over his face. He was thinking how nice it would be to poison the Chosen One's Jell-O instead.

I got your Jell-o snack right here, Mr. President, Joe Biden thought, and smiled to himself.

Admiral Mike Mullen finished the last of his Scotch, belched, and raised his hand.

"Yes Mike, what'cha got?"

Admiral Mullen started to speak cautiously. "I don't know Mr. President. I mean, killing innocent civilians to get you elected seem a little steep. I'd caution against it, sir."

"Sure, it's steep. Reelection stakes are high, General. Besides, how much time do folks over 65 have left? Five, ten years at the outside? Most of 'em incontinent and suffering in old age ailments. We'd be doin' 'em a favor. Like compassionate Liberalism. Ha, ha-ha"

"And what if we get caught?" the Vice-president piped in.

"Biden!" the president gave him "the look" while hammering his right hand into his left.

"Well…I just have to say it's a damn good idea," the Secretary of State volunteered. Looking around the room, she continued. "Barry's right. These old people are useless to us. They contribute nothing, and like the president said, we'd be doing them all a big favor." Hillary Clinton chose her words carefully. (If he did get caught, wow. I'd throw my hat in thepresidential ring in a Mexican moment, by gosh. I'd make Bill proud of me again, she thought.)

That was it! I'd had enough. Such droll and dishonesty. Times like this I wish I was a killer bee, sting the whole lot of them… This is what the American Republic's been reduced to? I'm feelin' sick...

Well that's it for today, kids. But I'll be back. I'm going to head out now, check out an honest candidate for president. Someone who can tell the truth, doesn't have an arrogant bone in his body, and can laugh at himself.

You know who it is? Naw.it ain't Ronny Reagan. The man I'm talking about is Herman Cain. Think I'll hang out in his camp for a while. Night, kids…

By Dennis Hippoboscoidea, Esq.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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