IBM develop World's First Brain Chip - UK Rioters given first Stocks

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Saturday, 20 August 2011


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for IBM develop World's First Brain Chip - UK Rioters given first Stocks
Rich Looter, Poor Looter, which one is worse? There's only 1 way to find out. FIIIGGHHTT!!

London: Cameron stocks up with New IBM Brain Chip in his latest battle against the 'sick society' that plagues the UK inner cities.

Government officials moved swiftly today to bring some hope to the UK's riot torn communities, following the announcement by IBM of The Worlds First Brain Chip.

The processor, about the size of an ants unerect penis, mimics human brain patterns and can be implanted in the recipients brain and be pre-programmed with certain commands.

Head Honcho at IBM, Bill Apple, said the chip was a breakthrough in technology and said ultimately this was the first real move towards the worlds first Robohuman.

"Yeah there's a whole bunch of possibilities for the chip, which we can program any which way we feel. Positive things, like programming the Ultimate Killing Machine, spooking magicians out by actually making them think their magic is real and forcing macdonlads staff to say 'please' and 'thank you' every SINGLE GODDAMN time"

Apple explained that as the riots spread throughout London, Manchester and Birmingham last week, the UK government ordered several thousand of the new chips, only for IBM to reprogram the chips with a much simpler piece of software, BASIC, a popular programming language from the 70's & 80's, given the low intelligence of the Looters and Rioters.

"Yeah, we had to change our software as the complex algorithms originally running in the Brain processors could confuse the looters by asking them too many difficult questions, like "what is 6+3?". That's why we reverted back to BASIC and if that can play hangman on an old Commodore 64, then it'll do for the UK's inner city losers and bruisers"

Shown below is the BASIC Language code that Bob and the gang programmed into the chip, specially written with the looters in mind. It involves making contact with the looters brain and taking it over, almost virus like, with positive, squeaky clean algorithms.

10 - INPUT "Why did you rob, steal, loot and smash up your own city & people?: ", U$

20 - IF_OUTPUT EQUALS "Cos it was a laugh, innit and der was nuffin to do." - RUN QUESTION2;

30 - INPUT_QUESTION2 - "Is there any hope for you to get a job?: ", N

40 - IF_OUTPUT EQUALS "a job? Der arnt no jobs. lolz... yous avin a laff innit" THEN RUN MCC.EXE

50 - RUN MYLEEN_CLASS_CLEANUP.exe Initiate = 1 TO N

60 - IF "MCC NEUROVERSION 7 Installed in your Brain" is SET.... RUN QUESTION3;

70 - INPUT_QUESTION3 - "What things do you like doing?"

80 - IF_OUTPUT = "I Like caring, sharing, listening, understanding and rabbits, they're kinda cute" THEN REBOOT TO COMPLETE CONVERSION to MYLEEN_CLASS_OS.

90 - IF_OUTPUT = "You is talkin shit innit man", A$





140 - END

Meanwhile as News broke from across the Atlantic, David Cameron, answering questions in the House of Common Thieves, told his fellow ministers and some women MPs who happened to be there, that implantations would start almost immediately.

"ZE process startz now" began Mr Cameron, sounding initially like an SS Commander, before steadying himself and softening his tone "We have stocks of the chip ready to implant.......... as soon as we can convince surgeons to work a 23 hour day, we'll clear the backlog........ And if that doesn't help, we'll get the Army in to do it" boomed Cameron, which led to rapturous cheers from the Tory half of the Chamber.

Labour Leaders were less impressed and asked the government if they would consider bringing in a chip for the various bankers, MPs and top level Businessmen who find it hard not to swindle money off the taxpayer and into their own back pockets.

"Our urgent priority is the bigger picture", smirked Cameron "Our big society... in which we all play a part. Don't forget, insurance premiums are set to rocket as a result of this, so get on some insurance stocks as soon as you can" winked Dave as he was cheered and jeered by friend and foe alike.

He continued;

"We often get accused of forgetting the poor, but here we are offering to help them out... for a while at least....... and what do those lot opposite do, bring up a few individual misdemeanour's from a couple of people, back in the day............ when you could make some real good money".

Milliband nasally blasted him back....

"Your looters get Million Pound Bonuses, Knighthoods, peerage and pensioned off with huge sums of money"

Cameron stuck his nose in the air,

"Your little rats run around our cities thieving cigarettes, alcopops and sweets and to cap it all off, the training shoes they steal, they can't even match them up, what hope have they got of getting a job there" joked Cameron.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more