US Fatties Declare War

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 9 January 2011

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Chubby Butterworth, Director of "Fat is Beautiful Society"

Chubby Butterworth head of the "Fat is Beautiful Society" of California has issued a statement on behalf of his half-million members.

The society has been campaigning for years to end discrimination in America against fat and obese people. Chubby, who is not keeping well, issued the following statement from his hospital bed - wards two, three and four:

"We, the calorie challenged people of America have had enough. It seems the Islamist fundamentalists are a law onto themselves. At the drop of a burkha they will issue what they call a "Fatwa" against this person and that who upsets their sensibilities.

"Lars Vilks, the Swedish cartoonist is currently in hiding with a Fatwa on his head because radical Islamists were upset by his cartoon of their sacred Mohammed for chrissakes! Salmon Rushdie the novelist likewise does not know the hour or the minute. Well, this is America godammit!

"We are democrats and we have rights. Our objection is to the term itself... "FATWA". That upsets our sensiblilities Mr. Al-Qaeda! This ill-chosen, irresponsible word exhibits all the disrespect for others that you have claimed as righteous grounds for persecuting acknowledged artists who practise what we call "freedom of speech", not that any of you bastards would know what that meant.

"We are Christians and our religious scripture tells us that Jesus Christ our Saviour was described as a "glutton and a wine-bibber". That means he was FAT goddammit like the Buddha! To our ears, Fatwa means "Look at the fat man hee-hee-hee. Look at all that "fat... waaaa"!

"Every time we hear the word "fat" associated with homicidal intent against the free, fat world we cringe, as it reminds us of the bigotry against our own kind that led to the crucifixion. We are not taking any more, if you pardon the pun. Fat is beautiful. Fat is good. Fat is sacred. And if these sonsofbitches don't change "Fatwa" to "Slimwa" or "Thinwa" real soon and show us life-loving, fat people some fucking respect there will be all hell to pay. The next fat man they'll find to bother their sensitivities...duh!... will be the same "Fat Man" we dropped on Nagasaki in 1945."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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