"Twilight: Midnight at the Oasis" scuttlebut

Funny story written by Milo Malkavic Mendoza

Sunday, 2 January 2011


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Could this be the new Victoria??? We don't know - maybe. Who can fucking predict with this movie mess.

WikiSquirts has new information about the casting for "Twilight: Midnight at the Oasis" and the status of the trash can from the "Oasis" rehearsal studio.

First lets revisit the cast and crew as we know it so far:

Producer - Carson Daly. "The Carse" acquires rights to the movie franchise with more than a little help from his mothers deep pockets. Then proceeds to completely change the winning formula.

Bella: Khloe Kardashian. Amazon Kardashian is cast for her name recognition and larger than life... size.

Edward: Ray J. Cast for name recognition from the Internet celebrity fuck film with the Amazon's much more normal size (well sort of) sister Kim.

Sheriff Charlie Swan - Bella's Father. Tom Arnold cast after the racist blowhard Rush Limbaugh is dismissed from the project and the other racist blowhard Mel Gibson isn't let on the set.

Jacob Black - the sexually frustrated Werewolf that Bella loves to lead on and on and on.... Again after many, many actors turn the role down, including both Lopez's Mario and George, Jonathan Taylor Thomas wins roll by simply disrobing during auditions.

The Wolf Pack - (set nickname Group of Retards). In no particular order Danny Bonaduce, Jose Canseco, Carrot Top (for ethnic affect), Andrew Dice Clay (because Carson Daly owes this guy) Mike Winslow (the super-talented black guy from the Police Academy epics) and Rae Dawn Chong as the shewolf. We think it is important to disclose that all of the roles in this grouping are NON-SPEAKING.

Papa Wolf - Leader of the Group of Retards. Ron Jeremy because of his extensive acting experience and manhood?

So here are a few more cast members we have confirmed with "The Carse" and can release for your contemplation and ridicule now.

As we reported in an earlier article Stephen Baldwin has been cast as Wolverine from the X Men. Not sure how he fits into the story yet - maybe the trash can answer that question. We had also indicated that Edward Scissorhands will also be in the movie according to recovered source materials - we called him 'Snip, Snip' so as to not get confused with the other Edward. Anyway it is confirmed that 'Snip, Snip' is in the film and legendary funny man David Spade will play the role. Quite a coup for Mr. Carson we must say. We understand that Spade's role is short and 'Snip, Snip' finally has a climatic demise. We also understand that Spade is taking the film at "scale" because back in 2002 Daly had to cover some gambling debts in Vegas Spade had run up while he was really down on his luck suffering from hooker and auto-erotic addiction. Hollywood go figure...

We have three more main characters from the original trilogy to release:

Jane - Originally played by the remarkable Dakota Fanning will now be played by a relative unknown. At least unknown as an actress - Pamela Bach - that's right David Hasselhoff's ex-wife. Evidently "The Hoff" had asked to come onto the project through common channels between he and Daly, but Daly replied to the request by telling his contact "I'm not really interested in The Hoff (he's too tall) but his ex does interest me in a bit part if I anyone can locate her. I know she has kind of fallin' off the wagon since her and David broke up." We were not able to get a straight answer from "The Carse" as to why Bach was qualified for the roll - just that he like to go on "gut instincts" because they never let him down and this is one of those times - we think it might have been the Pho he had for lunch.

Victoria - the crazy mean as hell Redheaded Vampire. We know that character died in the last film but Daly insists that decision was mistake by the previous film makers so he's bringing her back into the franchise. And who wins the role?? Kathy Griffin. As Daly told us "...now you know why this movie is Rated R - not that pantywaste PG-13." Pantywaste?

The Movie Score. You would think the title kind of covers it. A hugely popular song back in the 70's by Maria Muldaur, but that isn't the whole story. Daly explains that of course the song will be used in the movie somewhere - probably the credits - but he has hired a composer to help change the "mood" of the movie that had become really dark during the previous films (we thought that was the point) and the music is essential to the movie success, "just watch Halloween - without that haunting score the movie is SHIT." So his choice - Robert Van Winkle. When he first told us the name of this "illustrious" (Daly's word) singer, songwriter, composer, we scratched our head. What was the name again? What has he done? Daly broke out in howling laughter - "don't tell me you've never heard of the song 'Ice, Ice Baby'?" we were aghast - Vanilla Ice? Daly got all excited when we had finally guessed his choice and began saying that "...Van has saved the project with his musical talent." Ok that makes two people now that have saved the project - Tom Arnold and Vanilla Ice - oooh.

That's it from Daly for now - more "squirts" to follow.

THE TRASH CAN HAS BEEN LOCATED AND "ACQUIRED". The infamous rehearsal studio trash can that started this series of reports is in the hands of WikiSquirts personnel. Although it was David Johnston that picked up the damn thing. William Benesh from Legend Freeway was originally sent to accomplish the task but blew it on take off. Remember he had a fucking meltdown on the tarmac in Yakima and has not been heard from since. So Waclaw Balonek sent David Johnston, also from Legend Freeway, instead. David (2012 Presidential Candidate) said "...of course Waclaw asked me to go take care of the job. It's a good thing I have broad shoulders so I can carry the load for this band of losers." David Johnston said he met up with a cousin in the town of Weed, California that helped him negotiate the LA underground and get the job accompished. David is en-route back from SoCal at the time of this press release.

Happy "Squirting". I'm trying a new sign off - let me know your opinion about it please. MMM

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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