It's official - the cast for "Twilight: Midnight at the Oasis" is set. According to Twilight Producer Carson Daly

Funny story written by Milo Malkavic Mendoza

Sunday, 2 January 2011


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image for It's official - the cast for "Twilight: Midnight at the Oasis" is set. According to Twilight Producer Carson Daly
The new Bella?? aaaahhhh NO.

Carson Daly has contacted WikiSquirts to be the exclusive source for his new movie "Twilight: Midnight at the Oasis" the fourth movie in the mega box office franchise.

After WikSquirts broke the news on the source material for the upcoming movie Mr. Daly new it was just a matter of time before the entire lid would be blown off the secrets to the production, so he agreed to a conference call from his pre-production studio in Santiago, Chile to discuss the cast and other things about his newest and most challenging endeavor.

WS: So are you in Chile to shoot the movie?

CD: No I'm just here to do what folks in the movie biz call pre-production; working on story boarding; costume design; casting; making sure everyone is ready to attack the project, stuff like that.

WS: You have to do that in South America?

CD: Sure, everyone does. You'll learn as you guys get up and running. SantiaGOOO CHILaaaaayyyy is THE place to be when it comes to the pre-pro.

WS: So where is filming going to take place.

CD: We don't know yet.

WS: OK... lets discuss the cast. Word from the...trash can indicates that you are really going to take the super successful franchise a totally different direction??

CD: You got that right. For starters I thought I would really go for it and cast the entire movie with top shelf actors and actresses. You know instead of the no-names the previous producers had for some reason felt compelled to employ, I guess thinking that the "story" would carry the box-office, like that ever works.

WS: Great lets talk about the cast. Who's directing? Are you?

CD: No, no I'm not Directing. That's like how does the saying go??? you don't shit where you eat. So who did I get? Mr. Lavar Burton. That's right Kunta Kinte himself. I told the studio and the main money man that if no Lavar, no movie.

WS: Isn't the 'money man' your mom.

CD: Of course.

WS: Ok so Lavar Burton is the Director. What experience does he have with big budget movies such as the Twilight franchise?

CD: Haven't you seen his work on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? The man is a genius with the lens. It is like he is painting a landscape, with a chain-saw......out of ice on a 100 degree day in Miami - just fucking brilliant.

WS: Hmmm... interesting qualifications.

CD: Did you ever hear of the FUCKING MEGA MINI-SERIES "ROOTS"? That fucker can act too. Obviously he knows how to handle actors mood swings and general malaise.

That is basically how the whole phone call went. Mr. Daly spouting in a delusional fashion about his own credentials as a first time Producer of a major motion picture and how he is such a great judge of character and his unique ability to place his hand DIRECTLY on the TRUE pulse of the American movie goer. Oh yeah and him trying to explain how getting a "special thanks" on the credit scroll for "Inside Pepe's Studio: Hosted by Pepe the Prawn King" was "life chaaaaanging" [word expanded for emphasis]. Trust us this article would have went on forever so instead lets just get down to discussing how much Mr. Daly is going to shit all over this American film juggernaut.

In this news release we will "squirt" out a few of the main characters cast for the movie. First you should know that none of the original actors in the trilogy returned to portray their characters for 'Oasis' except Justin Chon (the androgenous Asian friend of Bella) because Bobby Lee was not available. Carson was really bummed about that and acted like Lee had lead him on about joining the project and then as Daly put it "...FUCKED ME OVER a month before rehearsals were to start." He also said something about Lee was going to pay for actions amongst Daly's community whatever the hell that meant.

The Two Lead Characters - Bella and Edward

Daly (and maybe "Kunta Kinte himself") have decided to make the movie more... ethnic.

So the part of Edward will be played by Ray J from the "Love of Ray J" MTV reality show, but you probably know him for the fuck film he made (and then they leaked) with Kim Kardashian that occupied the Internet for the past decade.

And Mr. Daly has cast a Kristin Stewart look-a-like to play Bella - Khloe Kardashian of course. The amazon Kardashian. As Carson puts it "...the natural tension between the two because of their past history will be lightening in a bottle for the silver screen!" I guess acting experience was not considered an essential qualification when it came to casting.

Oh well lets look at the dynamic here - besides Khloe being approximately a foot taller than Ray J, she has the grace of a Porn Star at a Bible study. However, according to Daly "... it IS Khloe's size that takes the franchise to a different level." He must mean that statement literally.

And depending on the script Ray J is going to have to learn how to talk like a white person and be able to sell it. Doubtful he will be willing or able to do either. Ray J brings a whole new definition to cool for vampires according to "The Carse" as he asked us to call him before the phone interview was over. "Not cool in cold skin but in attitude" thanks for the explanation Carse.

Sheriff Charlie Swan - Bella's dad

Originally cast as Rush Limbaugh but after only 2 days of rehearsal it was obvious that this had been a mistake. And not because of miserable acting as one would have assumed, lets face it this movie franchise has been dogged by bad acting since the first frame of Twilight One, but he was fired because of blatant racist remarks to cast and crew but especially to the Director Lavar Burton. In a couple exchanges between Limbaugh and Burton during day one Rush would refer to Lavar as "Kunta Kinte." When Lavar indicated to Rush that he did not appreciate being referred to as a black slave movie character Mr. Limbaugh then rephrased his address with "Mr. Kinte".

That wasn't the only problem Limbaugh had with is coworkers; when he would enter the rehearsal studio he would address the crew generally with his "hello ladies and gentleman" in typical Limbaugh bravado and then say "and to you spear chuckers too" referring to camera men and other set staff that just so happened to be African American.

The final straw came on day two when Limbaugh had delivered to the set a bucket of chicken and a watermelon as a "peace offering" to Burton - oh and the delivery boy was in "black face" costume. Burton flipped out and according to witnesses went totally "tribal" on Limbaugh and the entire cast. Some say it was just like watching Kunta Kinte in person instead of on the television and may have been his best "work" to date. Anyway Limbaugh left with a cigar burn on his forehead and Burton went missing for 3 days.

In Limbaugh's place - Tom Arnold. Although there were rumors that Mel Gibson had accepted the roll. But Mel had his chance for playing the easy going town Sheriff nixed when Stephen Baldwin (the actor signed to play the part of Wolverine from X Men) refused to come onto the film if Gibson were a part of it. So Daly did what came down to a basic business decision - as he put it "... I went with box office draw so Mel was out" (We do not feel compelled to explain Gibson's reaction to this news because WikiSquirts is pretty sure you know how that went.) That's when as Daly puts it " old friend [Arnold] truly saved the project." Of course Arnold did command a salary well into 5 digits and an on-site trailer. The Carse also said he made sure to keep his "old friend" in strippers and hookers just to make sure he didn't lose focus during the shoot.

Jacob Black - Bella's favorite Werewolf to cock tease

The part was originally slated for Mario Lopez because as Carson put it "...he just had the chops to pull off the part because of his years of acting experience in 'Saved by the Bell'" but due to scheduling conflicts with his parts in "Get Him to The Greek" and "NIP/TUCK" he couldn't commit to the project. (WikiSquirts sources claim that Lopez was also overheard telling his "Extra" coworkers that he thinks Daly is a fag and gives him a weird vibe. We just thought that was an interesting tid bit.)

So the next actor targeted was George Lopez. According to Daly that was the "Lopez" they were after all along. He saw the Jacob part as a maturing canine that would be able to bring more life experience to the role. We know pure genius. Anyway old Lopez told Daly "I know I've lost a few pounds Carson, but let's face it dude I live on bean burritos and churros - my body ain't ready for prime time. Besides I've been on pictures like that and they always blame the Mexican when things turn up missing from the set. Thanks but no thanks man, this wet-back will stay in Late Night TV." Carson couldn't blame him - he was right.

So after a laundry list of other actors turned down the opportunity to revive Jacob; Derek Jeter, Todd Bridges and even Corey Feldman; the part went to Jonathan Taylor Thomas. As Daly characterized the audition of the former TV Mega Star "JT came in, took his shirt off, and the role was his to lose - perfect casting for our Jacob." Well that statement left us speechless.

The Wolf-pack

All non-speaking parts made up of the following amazing collection of talent.

Brother Wolves Danny Bonaduce, Jose Canseco, Andrew Dice Clay, Carrot Top (for the very rare Ginger haired wolf), and Mike Winslow (he's the black guy from the 'Police Academy' series of flicks that makes all those noises and shit) a wonderfully gifted actor that brings some comic relief to the role that as Carson put it "...was in need of some lightning up." The obligatory she-wolf played by Rae Dawn Chong and the Papa Wolf played by the star of over 1000 films Ron Jeremy - as Carson says "... hey this guy had to drop his pants and deliver a money shot for over 5000 films or some shit as that, yeah that guy can act; he's so hairy that time in makeup will be reduced for the role and oh.. it comes in handy to have an actor on set that can suck his own dick." the Carse chuckled after dropping that line and so did we.

For now that is all we will divulge from our conversation with Daly because we are still waiting for Benesh to get that fucking garbage can back from LA. This will help us verify some of the outrageous shit Daly is telling us about the rest of the casting and direction of the "Twilight" movie series. Unfortunately getting that trash can back has become problematic because Waclaw Balonek, CEO of Legend Freeway, bought William a plane ticket to get down there quickly which ended in disaster. William Benesh has never flown before and upon take off he went all Pacino from "A of a Woman" where he talks about taking a flamethrower to the place and shit - really freaked the passengers and crew. So much so they had to come back and land at the Yakima International Airport to escort him off the plane. According to witnesses it was obvious that Benesh had defecated in his pants and he had panicked so violently that he was suffering from "lock jaw" - a truly gruesome sight.

All we will say is that the interview and the information gets stranger and stranger.

More "Squirts" to come.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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