Obama Got Game: The President and the Point Guard

Funny story written by John Peurach

Monday, 4 October 2010

image for Obama Got Game: The President and the Point Guard
ALL THE SLIGHT MOVES: Still got it, and then some, especially in the paint, and from 3-point range.

WASHINGTON D.C. - As if President Obama needed another headache to go along with the assortment of full-tilt migraines he's already been juggling like a one-armed pizza cook ever since the mid-term tea party went coastal. All of which indeed helped force any lingering ideas that this Hail to the Chief gig would be a cake walk in the park, to go riding off the line with the last Pontiac, straight into the unwelcome ship-be-sinking arms of today's anything but cozy, but all the way certain, sunset.

In other words, consider this count off, if you pleaseā€¦.

There's the not so sudden exit - stage left of Rahm the Mon from his embattled, foul-mouth unfriendly, White House Chief of Staff post.

There's the inescapable rumors that Mario Cantone's been lurking about in the nearest windowless corridor (with, apparently, Sen. Barney Frank not far behind - but far enough to raise eyebrows while lowering the boom - yeah, I know, but that's what he likes to call it) for who knows how long, hoping to soon enough jam his wigglized for anyone's attention hind end smack dab into the still warm seat of so much just vacated hotter than usual motherf@#%in' horse sh#t power.

And, besides that mess in the pants just waiting to happen, there's, of course, the economy, stupid.

Plus, the usual deep-dish roster of forever and a day, come whatever may issues, concerns, and/or not so hidden agendas involving healthcare, green care, and whoever still has the floor to spout on and never off about which one of their chosen God's is the only one with the most readily available amount of still yet to actually care still waiting to be claimed before the next available amen.

Hopefully before the next suddenly all too empowered pain in the back forty nationalistic entities in our own shrinking hemisphere flexes the kind of politically motivated economic muscle we can no longer contend with, except for in our own diminished, once-proud, no longer memorized, fading image of our used to be glorified, big stick, sea to shining sea-like selves.

And, oh yeah, something about a war that won't quit, or just refuses to go away quietly. Which, in turn, brings all the back and forth "don't ask/don't tell" stuff out of, well, somewhere that shouldn't be there, but is, regardless. So, yeah, that may seem like enough, but no.

And so, because of that "but no," and/or also on account of the prevailing ongoing political storm winds swirling around due to First Lady Michelle Obama's bulging, forever on display biceps, and heretofore forever beyond the door worldwide steps, the Commander in Chief is, as usual, in anything but a glad to be unhappy sort of mood, as yet another cookie crumbles, the same old crow begins to fly itself to sleep, and whatever is said (even in gest of anything else in the deep end of instead) it's no wonder things ain't what they once were thought to just used to be, but even worse, if you can believe that.

And, well, for real, as of now, you should, since everyone else does. Or, will soon enough, all because of the latest bit of all this.

This, of course, being the growing, wildfire-like, unrealized speculation that President Obama may have allegedly abandoned his Executive Branch office powers for a brief, yet noticeably unaccounted for period of time earlier this year, so as to allow him a momentary isolated chance to relieve a seemingly unbearable amount of pent up stress, by going somewhat under the radar, although not entirely undercover, as a temporary, one-game only member of the reigning NBA champ Los Angeles Lakers.

As it stands now, at least based on a series of poorly composed reports by Rome-based tour guide/news stringer Luigi Baffigi (which apparently were slow to filter back to the states, after being gathered up via some let-it-slip, off-the-record, midnight verbal ramblings of 710 ESPN LA sports talk radio host/KCAL-LA sports reporter John Ireland, while he was momentarily caught off guard during a weak moment of Slingbox bliss after watching both the Rachael Ray and Tyra Banks shows during his recent well needed vacation to Italy this past summer) it very likely appears that President Obama may have switched places with celebrated Laker point guard Derek Fisher during the course of the Lakers visit to the White House in January 2010, and subsequently went on to suit up accordingly with the team, and, in turn, perform rather admirably later on that night for the Lakers during their then regular season scheduled contest against the hometown Washington Wizards.

So far, Derek Fisher has maintained a strictly "no comment" posture. While, President Obama has more important matters to be concerned with that involve both high-ranking information on a need-to-know basis, as well as what kind of salt water taffy and bubble bath Mario Cantone will no doubt require, if his current White House sleep-over is allowed to stretch any further into next week.

Needless to say, the perpetual parade of usual Obama critics out there have been quick to jump all over this bit of WTF if. Especially, considering the now growing collective speculation that Fisher, while clandestinely occupying Obama's otherwise vacated Head of State seat of power, may have indeed had an inappropriate hand in the further establishment of national policy. If not something else entirely, with regards to domestic-like needs, often generally left, more or less, unattended during the weeks leading up to this rather startling series of improbable, yet seemingly more and more likely possible, events that are now believed to involve the highest political office in the land, along with assorted down the hall rooms involving who knows what, with an evermore expanding line-up of you know who's.

Meanwhile, supporters of Obama (and contrary to any and all latest reports, lock-step loyalty still exists in some circles within reach of the president's somewhat shrink-wrapped influence and slight, yet still semi-prevailing, aura), have chosen to look anywhere but behind them with regards to this soon to be quite possible way over the top, total crisis-like matter. And, as such, keep insisting that others should do the same, so as to better keep things moving straight ahead in an orderly fashion. If only to distance themselves from the still smoldering heat of what may or may not have been up or went down during the full course of the alleged Obama/Fisher President and the Point Guard switcharoo.

Although, severely complicating any further instillation of just such a what's- behind-us-doesn't-matter plan of action at this point in time, is now and has been, the apparent inability of members of the media and related network of inquiring minds to successfully access any legitimate, ESPN broadcasted, NBA approved, game time footage of the so-called "Obamagate" game in question, that is believed to have transpired between the Lakers and Wizards.

All of which now only leads to more conspiracy-like speculation. That is, as of late, now further emboldened by recently recovered statements, via both text messages ("2 cool, all I can say is - WOW!") and Twitter ("Something indeed be up, 4 a change. No complaints now, with this g-friend) which have allegedly been attributed to the First Lady and seem to suggest she may have been a direct recipient of some of the more careless, yet highly attentive, actions carried out by at least one half of this team of unlikely participants during this now fast-rising incident of supposedly misplaced presidential power, that has, for the moment anyway, come to a head and, in turn, fully blossomed into perhaps our latest on-deck long national nightmare.

That is, before any other ongoing ones, otherwise reserved for either Sarah Palin, Hugo Chavez, Christine O'Donnell, and yes, Michael Vick, have a chance to ferment even further (and you just know they will).

Consequently, in order to sort out, and hopefully make sense of this now constant lava flow fallout brought on by this alleged abuse of President Obama's teetering position of so-called theoretically mandated power, a Black & Blue Ribbon Panel of semi-interrelated experts (ESPN radio personality Jason Smith, the Rev. Al Sharpton, longtime L.A. Laker fan Dyan Cannon, Bernard "Buzz" Lieberman - the 9-year-old College Park, Maryland resident who, according to authorities, was the only person in attendance at the Laker-Wizard game in question who apparently went to the trouble of capturing any now known to exist visual record of what may have transpired that evening via the video app available with his mobile phone, Greg Neuhaus, Co-Editor of "The Low Post News" basketball blog, ultra-conservative full of herself gadabout Ann Coulter, Laker head coach Phil Jackson - via a conference phone hook-up from London, England, where the Lakers have traveled to start their pre-season activities, and, for reasons unknown, Broadway legend Chita Rivera) have been holding a series of partially open to the public hearings at the legendary DiSpirito Public Theatre in Camden, New Jersey.

And, although much of what was reportedly openly discussed there was not even heard, due to technical difficulties, and, because no one brought a pencil, pen or even a pad of paper, quickly forgotten, a recently transcribed exchange, captured via an unattended wireless set-up at the Uncle Floyd Pre-School/Stay-At-Home-Dad-&-Me Kiddie Center next door, may indeed help illustrate some of the views and observations, which were expressed by members of the highly suspicious and, for the most part, speculative panel.

PHIL JACKSON: If it was him, and I'm not saying it was, he did a bang up job regardless. I mean, he did after all - or whoever it was, like I said, I'm not saying who - did have a triple-double, and was key to our comeback success in the fourth quarter, including a valuable assist in the alley-opp, eventual game winner to Lamar, with 3 seconds left. So, that's at least something to consider, wouldn't you say?"

ANN COULTER: Of course you say that now, but what about then? What we, that is, me, and everyone else with an above reproach conscience, who remains willing to expose an unbecoming thing such as that on a fairly regular basis would like to know, at this point in time is, just what is it you, my good sir, knew, and when you, in fact, knew it?

PHIL JACKSON: Ahh, this may be off topic a bit, but have you ever read "To The Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf? Because it seems to me....

ANN COULTER: It doesn't matter what it SEEMS to you, only what it seems to me!

DYAN CANNON: Oh, get off your kickstand you skinny ass old harpie. Leave Coach Jackson alone, he's got more on his mind than what's up where your head's always at. Hi, Phil, how's it going?

PHIL JACKSON: Hi, Dyan. So far, so good.

DYAN CANNON: How's Sasha look?

PHIL JACKSON: How do you think?

DYAN CANNON: Like a dreamboat, as always, I'm sure.

GREG NEUHAUS: Wait a second, we're totally going off page. Let's get back to what's really important here, before we lose the kid any further. Check him Chita, please. Be a doll and give him a nudge, or something. See what's up with him. Is he sleeping, or just curled up like that for reasons none of us really want to address at this point, so soon after lunch?

CHITA RIVERA: No, he's out. Feels kind of warm, too. What he have for lunch, anybody see?

ANN COULTER: I think he had the fish.


DYAN CANNON: How do you feel?

REV. AL SHARPTON: Like I ate a horse.


DYAN CANNON: You sure that wasn't the one you rode in on?


DYAN CANNON: Takes one to know a supremely more confident and attractive one, I always say.

GREG NEUHAUS: Hold it, ladies.

REV. AL SHARPTON: Yeah, and when you get done sparing like that, I got something for you to grab onto, as well. At least, one of y'all.

GREG NEUHAUS: Enough. This is neither the time, nor the place for such back and forth tomfoolery.

CHITA RIVERA: Tom, who? I thought his name was Bernie, or Benny something.


CHITA RIVERA: Mr. Sleepy Head here.

GREG NEUHAUS: His name is Buzz. But that's neither here nor there.

CHITA RIVERA: Well, he's here if you need him.

GREG NEUHAUS: No, what we need now is to hear something from the host of "AllNight with Jason Smith", Mr. "What do you want me to say?" Jason Smith, that's who, since he's chosen to be so conspicuously quiet up to this point.

JASON SMITH: Well.....

GREG NEUHAUS: Go ahead. You're among friends. And, have no fear, Amy Lawrence is prepared to go on, or fill in if need be, should you suddenly have other destinies to fulfill.

JASON SMITH: From what I can tell, it pretty much all comes down to two separate, but yeah, well still sort of equal interpretations, and thus, inevitable, joined at the hip conclusions.

GREG NEUHAUS: And they are?

JASON SMITH: Well, first and foremost, if such an event did in fact occur, and President Obama did, as is believed, switch places with Laker point guard Derek Fisher, and, as such, perform as a member of the Los Angeles Lakers, and go, for the most part, entirely unnoticed, by either those in attendance, or assigned to provide up to the minute network and/or affiliated coverage of such a contest, well, I can only assume that our nation is, for a lack of a better word, more colorblind than many of us would care to admit at this time.


REV. AL SHARPTON: Uh-uh, no motherf@#%&in' way, man!

GREG NEUHAUS: Quiet, you two!

JASON SMITH: Especially when it comes time when we the people....

REV. AL SHARPTON: We?? Don't you mean "you" people?

JASON SMITH: You, we, all of us people, everyone. Maybe, at long last, we're finally all together on something, and on the verge of being in a, well, soon to be even more enlightened period of national unity, which would seem to suggest that, a person might be better understood, if not fully appreciated, if and when they are allowed to only be judged entirely on whatever skills they are able to bring to the table, so to speak. Especially when entrusted to both entertain and provide serviceable leadership to others, who, by both chance and design, are in a position to otherwise either benefit, or, at the very least, just bear witness.

DYAN CANNON: Hear, hear!!

ANN COULTER: Not so quick, blondie. You're still only coming up with something that'll always just rhyme with fear.

JASON SMITH: Then again, it could be something else entirely more sinister.


JASON SMITH: Or, if not exactly calculated, or an extension of any implied or misinterpreted evil, then at least something that is, as has been in the past, so familiar to us all, at one time or another.

GREG NEUHAUS: Which is??

JASON SMITH: Maybe it really is just as simple as they all....

REV. AL SHARPTON: They all what???

JASON SMITH: They all better let us know, when and if they're going to attempt a stunt like this ever again. Because, well, I don't know about you, but, I think I speak for much of America, when I say that I certainly would like to find a better way to see such a thing, rather than rely completely on Stub-Hub, V.I.P. Tickets, or some totally out for themselves, price-gouging season ticket holder, who might, at the time, have other plans that evening.

REV. AL SHARPTON: Oh, well, as long as you put it that way. Who do I have to ignore to get to the top of any waiting list for something like that, huh?

GREG NEUHAUS: Phil, anything you'd care to add at this point?

PHIL JACKSON: Nothing more than, I've always been a big follower of Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury." And, of course, anything by Don Delillo, which goes without saying.


JASON SMITH: How about those Jets?

And well, so it slides. Without the nicks and cuts of a blade, but plenty of room for anyone with two cents left to rub together, during these otherwise present tense-like times, that, for a while anyway, have been provided for us to make do with, during the here and now.

And how, as the evening wears on.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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