That's It, I'm Ready for a New Way to Reproduce

Funny story written by Olive Pepper

Friday, 27 August 2010


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Don't tell me it's "time to make the kids"

I've had it up to here with the way you have kids in this world. You'd think by now we could come up with a way to get a family without having to bring into the picture a lazy slob who wants to sit in front of the TV all day and make comments about even bigger slobs who wear tights and slap each other around on the rear. I mean, that's the kind of thing you have to put up with just to bring into existence some children you can dress in little clothes and make little lunches for?

Yes, I know all about in vitro fertilization and its precursor, artificial insemination, and I can assure you I've looked into those. What woman in her right mind wouldn't? But those procedures don't work for everyone and they still require the involvement of some neanderthal to whip out that thing they're only too happy to whip out and start whacking away, even if it's into a test tube.

And that's my point: can't we just take the man out of the picture altogether? Just the thought of some man, in some doctor's office or clinic somewhere, whacking away into a test tube with a smile on his face is just an image I don't want to have in my head.

And then there's the kids. I can imagine that every time I look at them I'm going to see their "father" whacking away into a tube and that's simply not an image I want to have in my head. No, what I want is a way to reproduce without having a man in the picture at all. Not in any way, not at any level, and not at any point in the process.

It's maddening how men have been brought into what should be a woman's business and a woman's business alone. I mean, we're the ones who carry the fetuses around in our wombs, push them through our birth canals, and then have the newborns suckle at our breasts for nourishment. Where in that equation does the man fit it? He doesn't, and the fact that he plays any role at all in making that happen is just too aggravating for me to think about.

Hello, here's a memo to His Almighty Most High: Time for a redesign. Time to make the reproduction process "new and improved." Believe me, any product that takes the man out of the picture will find its way into the shopping basket of any woman who has her head screwed on straight.

Sure, some women will still want to do the whole man thing. There will always be those who like going out to dinner with this man and then that man as part of a shopping process in which she decides which purchase to make. Maybe she wants to purchase the "athletic" man or maybe she prefers the "intellectual" man (as if there is such a thing!). Or maybe she goes for the wild, exciting man.

That might be an enjoyable shopping trip for some women, but I can tell you it's not how I want to spend my time. It's not that I don't like getting a free dinner or movie. I do. And I know that if you play your cards right you can get a mega diamond ring out of the deal, and maybe even a new car. And you can also get a house thrown in.

All those things are fine. I'm not blind to their attractions. The problem is, they all come with strings attached, and the strings are the big, slobby men that expect you to cozy up to them at night when it comes time to "make the children."

Sorry, after spending a year with Henry, who only wanted to watch football on TV, and two years with Patrick, who only wanted to talk about himself, I can say with certainty that no amount of children are compensation for the kind of misery that comes with having a boyfriend or a husband.

So, here's my announcement to all of you men out there: Avery Wynn is closed for further business. She'll reopen after a new way to reproduce has been discovered. Then, when some idiot man comes up to her with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face, she'll tell him she has her children aleady, thank you very much, and she doesn't need anything from him.

As for the "intercourse" thing, she'll stick with what she's doing now: doing it in front of the cameras with whomever the director tells her to do it with. She's making the big bucks doing that, and that's how she can afford to raise those children all by herself. But the best thing is, after she does it with these men, she moves on to her next video and never has to see them again!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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