The truth behind real estate mogul Nathaniel Sandusky

Funny story written by josephhurtgen

Monday, 9 November 2009

image for The truth behind real estate mogul Nathaniel Sandusky
Evolution at its zenith

"How do you do it Sandusky?"

"Trade secrets my friends, trade secrets."

That's the question of the hour. How has Nathaniel Sandusky created a modern day empire out of zilch? In fact, where does Nathaniel Sandusky come from? Those are the questions we've set out to answer, and answer them we will to the best of our ability.

The Problem: Nathaniel Sandusky is not a registered American citizen. We looked and the government looked and finally he was located but not in order to banish him, but rather to marvel at the current star of real estate. "Well, he can't really be kicked off of American soil because he owns most of it now" says Walter Brubeck of Immigration and Naturalization.

Strangely enough, Sandusky despises land. "Oh yes, I have an aversion to land, but that's what drives me to own all of it" says Sandusky. The question of course, is how is it that a person without national allegiance came to own roughly 36% of all real estate in the country, including 100% of Alaska and Puerto Rico.

The answer: Apparently, in the 1700 and 1800's, legal documents weren't prepared very carefully. The basic problem being that human evolution is ongoing and the human brain lacked some important synapse links. Says John Rutledge, professor of law at Gravard University, "Most land grants in America were mind-boggling in their complexity. Ultimately, humans were incapable of reasoning sensibly until about 1910 and still with some there are problems. I'm thinking it's going to be twelve or more years until evolution really cleans up a lot of the loopholes left in human logic left to us by our ancestor the jackanape."

The secret: Sandusky is actually an evolved shark. "He isn't human at all!" says Evan Stevens of Greater Public Banking in Manhattan. "Humans are simply not this aggressive. He is truly a carnivorous beast." What is interesting is that he signs all his legal documents by clutching a pen in his teeth. "It took a lot of training for him to not bite through the pen." Says Mitchell Smith, his trainer in Orlando, Florida. "On Tuesdays and Thursdays he does a show where he jumps out of the water and eviscerates a live tuna, but the rest of time he is a slave to his real estate empire."

So hats off to Sandusky, a beautiful fourteen foot great white with more equity than Bill Gates and the Rothschilds combined.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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