Bishops Avenue, London - (Bad Ass Mess): Property crisis? What property crisis! Yet another 2008 house price record has just been smashed with the sale this week of Top Crack Mansion situated on the notorious wobbly tectonic plate region of North London's billionaires' row, The Bishops Avenue.
The house had languished on estate agents' back burners for over a decade while the original builder, Turkish bad-breath salesman and convicted bankrupt Halitosis Topcrack, jostled with the UK's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency Assets Recovery Division.
The new owner is said to be Kazakhstani businesswoman (sic) Mrs Whorelma Perabomb, cousin and fellow compatriot of Kazakh movie actor Mr Borat.
Plans submitted to the local authority indicate the new proprietor wants to convert her hideous be-marbled trophy erection to a fully-fledged high-tech brothel catering to her wealthy neighbors' myriad S&M tastes.
Her immediate next door neighbor is Lakshmi Mittal, the Indian steel tycoon who bought over £13 billion of stolen industrial assets from a heist arranged by ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair.
Other nearby neighbors include colorful international despots such as the Sultan of Brunei, the Emir of Qatar, various minor Saudi princelings and an a gaggle of Russian mobster cartel henchmen masquerading as bona fide oligarchs.
Perabomb's proposed plans include a £30 million refit to install a beauty salon (she's ugly!), a private female circumcision and genital mutilation suite (visiting relatives or pesky litigation opponents?), a spa, a cinema, squash courts and helipad - although the chances of getting permission for the latter are less than zilch following London flying security restrictions in the post-9/11 era.
Top Crack Mansion and its neighbor Summer Palace were both built on a plot of land formerly occupied by a house that was burned down by squatters.
On orders of ex-Tory thug Lord Archer.
The legitimate owner of the former property and its surrounding acres had had a long-running feud with London Mayor Ken Livingstone who harassed him over disgusting pre-GLC secrets of the 1970s.
After a series of dastardly adventures involving the Anti-Terror squad the owner was advised to stage a sting involving turning a blind eye to the commie-fuelled land-grab that saw the erection of the two new monstrosities.
Sorting out the ensuing catastrophic mess could keep property lawyers in stitches for a generation to come, according to well placed sources that claim MI5 is about to bust the new Kazakh owner of Top Crack following a series of espionage escapades related to Russian undercover narcotic activities in the capital.
Boris Johnson is a natural blonde?