Written by Dungeekin

Monday, 18 May 2009

The expenses scandal and other issues over recent weeks have been catastrophic for the Labour Party, with the opinion polls showing Labour at their lowest approval rating since records began.

But what do the polls actually mean - with the next General Election a year away at most, who actually votes Labour and why?

By a process of elimination, we were able to work out the number of voters. We removed sitting Labour MPs, Labour councillors, Trades Union leaders, Polly Toynbee, Nick 'Toenails' Robinson and Andrew Marr, and by removing these numbers from the projected Labour share of the vote at the next General Election, we come up with the number of ordinary members of the electorate who we can confidently expect to vote Labour at the next election: 1.

We decided to track down Britain's last remaining Labour voter, and ask him why he's still determined to vote.

96-year-old former coalminer Bert Eckythump says that he's proud to be the last remaining card-carrying member of the Labour Party, and that he'll be a Labour voter till the day he dies.

Speaking to us from his retirement home, Mr Eckythump praised the Labour Party for their 'hard work for the common people', saying, "I think that Labour's done an amazing job. Thanks to them I don't have a Ration Book any more, and Mr Bevan's work as Health Secretary means I'll soon have the NHS to look after me in my old age".

He added, "I'll be voting Labour again in the next Election, as I think it's right and proper. I'll be hoping that nice Mister Attlee gets a second term".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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